CAPTAIN'S BLOG
I am having a problem.
Crazy to see that it has been two years since I've felt the need to think out loud here. I'm not sure exactly who I need to write about more, Foxx or Iris. Aleph. But, I need to vent. Quite possibly about both of them. I'm.... frustrated. At Aleph. And a little frustrated at Foxx. Probably just because I'm not getting what I wanted. Which is fair! My desires do not apply to them and their relationship. I just don't trust Aleph. And it's scary that Foxx doesn't seem to care? I'm worried. What if this conversation I need to have with her doesn't pan out? The last thing we all need is more friction and drama. But I don't want to make up with Aleph. I hate her. The way she handled things with Cereza is terrifying to me. And she doesn't seem to care? She knows we just want an apology. She sends me messages on occasion asking me to bury the hatchet for Foxx's sake, but I just feel manipulated by it. I don't even know if that's fair. I won't know without talking to her. Should I have a moderator? Maybe I should. But who? Foxx? I'm terrified of getting cornered into a no-win situation. What if I can't keep my cool? I'm still very angry, hurt, and scared. What if this breaks up the polycule? Conflict in a complicated polycule as large as ours is inevitable. Ultimately, I've let this go on too long. I've been sick and tired and stressed... and feeling a little neglected by Foxx. I understand her situation, I really do. I would not be able to handle the level of stress she's going through at home, but ultimately, here I am, suddenly forced to deal with this. My negative feelings for Aleph are poisoning my relationship with both Foxx and now Adora. I experience genuine and sometimes even powerful compersion in all of my other relationships, which is something I used to struggle with a lot. But why can't I feel that same way about Foxx? It happens sometimes, but nowhere near often enough for the level of complication in her life. I think Aleph is part of my difficulty in experiencing compersion with her, but she's not the largest piece, if I scry my deepest feelings accurately. I think my identity is wrapped into Foxx in a way it is not for other people. Specifically, I think Jessica is in love with Foxx, and Aphrodite is annoyed with her. I don't know how to explain this feeling. But I've been having it for a while. Jessica falls in love with people in that way. Aphrodite does not. But the feelings I get from that level of attachment, its addictive. And I had her all to myself for a year at least. I knew that would change, I tried to prepare myself. But how could I not love her in that way? She helped create the person I am today more than anyone has in my whole life. She gave me the space I needed to be myself and be free and I will always love her for that. I guess that's why Aphrodite loves her so much too. As a great man once said, "I'm down with old hoes. Motherfucker feels safe." And I do - I do feel safe. Or I guess I did. I have often said to myself that if Foxx left me I would move somewhere else. Far away. Or I told her yesterday that I would become someone different - key parts of my identity would change. I wouldn't become a bad person or anything, but it would break me. And that's like, not good. I cannot let myself make this mistake. Ironically, if Foxx really is that important to me, I need to become my own person. I've gotten very close, but I guess I'm not there yet? I feel like I am competition with Foxx often, about things that don't make any sense. She might insinuate that she is the best at something, and I immediately feel the need to challenge her on that. It's absurd. It used to happen a lot when we first met - she'd talk about her getting attention from anyone or even just work and project opportunities, and I just felt so stuck in my life at that time that it used to really bother me. But I've managed to find work opportunities that work for me I guess so that doesn't bother me anymore. I experience compersion for her work opportunities all the time these days. I even paid her for work! Not long ago that would have genuinely offended me, as funny as that sounds to me now. So then, what should I do here? What's left? Well, what if she loves me, but just doesn't have the time for me? That can happen. Especially to women like her. Hell, do I have time for her? Well, I make time for her. But does she make time for me? I guess we will have to see. We did have a very good talk in the car. It's so weird talking to someone so reasonable sometimes. Everyone in the polycule these days is just, overcome with reasonableness, it's kinda strange at times. And here I am feeling like the insane person all of a sudden, struggling to understand and contain my emotions, feeling like lashing out and isolating myself. And this is all happening in the middle of me getting something I really wanted: to spend more time with Rory. She's just so wonderful - she's like a gift. Like someone (her) has spent 31 years making a girl just for me (she's not just for me). Everything is just so effortless with her. I feel blind to not be madly in love with her - well, which definitionally sounds like an unhealthy way to love someone, lol. So that's good, right? I love her for who she is and not because my identity is wrapped up in her somehow. Same with Cereza. And Freya. How are these relationships different from Foxx and I's? I don't understand, other than meeting Foxx when I was still learning how to relate to other people without trying to dissolve into them. But if I can relate to others without doing that now, why can't I do it with Foxx? I used to feel special to her. Precious. I'm not sure I feel that way anymore. She tells me she loves me so much. But why can't I feel it anymore? Has something changed in me? In our relationship? It's true that much has changed in our relationship. In fact, everything has changed. She was at the last kink event, but she was doing the door with Lily. (arrgh I'm even jealous of her!) I then proceeded to have the best night of my life, and she wasn't really there. And that's happened a few times. But I want her to be there. Does she want to be there? If I tell her, she'll probably say she was there, lol, sigh. But that's quintessentially her though. I can't expect her to be someone she's not. That will lead to ruin for sure. And... maybe that's a problem. That checks out. I don't expect anyone else to be someone they are not. But her? lol fuck it's taken her two years to figure out I want flowers! Noted she says lol. I am a bit of a drama queen, aren't I? That's ok, I'm pretty sure she knows that. But maybe I should spend more time thinking about my love languages. Like, I expect her to be more like me. And she's not like me. In very few ways is she like me. Those ways are very important ways, which is no doubt the best thing about our relationship, and it does form a very strong foundation. I need to embrace her differences. I'm reminded of how I felt about Natalia, which is not good: It doesn't make any sense to keep a bird as beautiful as that caged, and here I am trying to do just that. Nowhere near as badly as I did with Natalia - lordy I hope I get the chance someday to apologize. But the tendrils are there still, painful with their dastardly suckers. She's for to be her own woman. I trust her and her judgement. I mostly believe her when she tells me she loves me and she's never going to leave me (unless I force her to). She's said no kitty left behind to me several times. Which returns us to Aleph. One of my peers in the cat-dom. There's nowhere near enough domming for that title lol. We used to date. From the beginning... I made many errors. Too many errors. She also made many errors. I felt forced into a relationship. How things might have different had I been more willing to say no to a girl in front of everyone while drunk and high on acid. Oof. Then it looked to me like she treated Cereza really well. But it turns out she really didn't. Cereza was definitely going through an incredibly hard time - Aleph's comfort seemed saccharine, but I assumed it was some combination of deep compassion and just, what can you do when someone you love is addicted to something dangerous? I don't know. I wasn't around when she was doing hard drugs much. But Cereza had said that she didn't feel very supported by Aleph. But Aleph was in a very different place then too. They had not yet understood that they are a system, and I myself am learning that it's quite a bit more complicated to understand than I expected as well. Now I too think that maybe there are at least two parts of me - Jessica and Aphrodite. I dunno about my male self - and frankly, I don't care, lol. Maybe he comes out sometimes in my butchy phases. Overall, I think he's pretty happy with how we/I are handling things, lol. Certainly having more fun than he ever did! So what is to be made of this, I wonder? I don't think I have, I dunno, clinical DID? I've read about it, but it's not something I usually identify with, but the way my girlfriends describe things, does sound like something I experience. For years I've been saying that Jessica 'died' when Natalia broke up with her. So At the very least, I do think there's some kind of sequential identity at play for me. And I do feel like Aphrodite would die too, if Foxx broke up with me. At least, a part of me would. I feel like that part of me is hurting now. But then who is it? What is it? Maybe it is him. My last post was about Matt, funnily enough. Definitely, those feelings of abandonment still run through me. They don't control me like they used to, but they are still powerful, pulling at me and occasionally getting a good bite into me, when I'm feeling low and the circumstances are right. Who am I? Will I ever get to where it is that I am going? Will I know it when I get there? Is she leaving me behind? Does she have time for me? Am I expecting too much? Something deep inside me is so afraid. It feels so much like she preparing to leave me. But what evidence do I have? Just that sinking feeling, the feeling of my guts locking up, the feeling of deep fear. Some infrasound-like pattern of behaviour that gives me a bad feeling I can't locate the source of. Like I've touched a Tome of Madness. I want to focus on the things in my life that are good and easy. But that means focusing less on Foxx. And I don't want to do that. So I need to make that relationship easier. And uh, gooder. Which means I need to bury the hatchet with Aleph. I can't leave it up to Cereza - or apparently Aleph. Or Foxx. I'm the Captain, right? I need to handle this. I'm tired of being annoyed every time I hear about her or something she's done. It's stupid and it's exhausting and it is poisoning one of the most important relationships I've had in my life so far. The resistance though. God. I do not want to do this. And I hate that she said it already, but I'll do it for Foxx. Because in my mind, its the two of us and the polycule we've built versus the world. But maybe that's holding me back too. Is that just a newer, fancier cage? I mean, someone's name has to go first, right? ...Right? No. It's just another hierarchy. And every time I look at Rory, I smile. Maybe I should let Foxx go. Not in a breakup sort of way. Though Jessica will think it is. She's not yours. She's not anyone's. And neither are we.
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When I was very young, I had a best friend.
Wow I'm already crying. His name was - is - Matt. He lived one street over from mine. He was my best friend. I guess I don't recall that much about our time together - other than I enjoyed it. We laughed and talked and played board games - I remember Life, but mostly I remember the mouse trap game. And Connect 4. I used to play music on my boombox - MC Hammer and Devo and Talking Heads - loud enough for him to hear, and he'd come over. One day we started elementary school together - or maybe it was Kindergarten. We were in separate classes. That was fine - we could see each other between classes. And no big deal. They'll always be there for me at the end of the day, right? One day soon I'm at school and Matt is not there. I ask around, but I don't really know anyone else - I just see blurs and shapes. My teacher asks me what's wrong. I ask her where Matt is. She points to him talking to another boy. He's laughing. He basically never talks to me again. Like 5 years later, I live in Florida and we are visiting Vancouver. We go see our old house. And Matt's house. He still lives there with his Mum. We have a quiet chat. He bites his toenails. I leave wondering what happened to him, to us. Of course I'm just an early teen so, whatever. But I can still picture that camera angle from my childhood. Looking slightly up at his short brown hair, I watch the two of them go into the classroom together. I don't remember anything else about my childhood until I am in Florida, arguing with my 3rd grade teacher about whether or not I have to do work in class. The season of change is upon us.
Someone I love broke up with me - I'm sad about it, I'm relieved about it. I love her, but she says that we are not romantically compatible. And now, I don't know what to think. Or how to behave around her. How do I love someone, but not romantically? I don't know. I'm relieved because, maybe she is right. I'm sad because, it doesn't change how I feel about her. And now, the polycules I was in have evaporated. I'm still with Freya and Foxx, but they are still struggling to get to know each other and be comfortable around each other. And new girls are entering the fray - Cereza and Iris. The four of us did acid together earlier in the week, and it has proven to be a... not great decision. Iris couldn't get high and the rest of us got wrecked off a quarter hit each - I was tripping for 12 hours. The following days have been very difficult for my mental health. I've been very anxious and afraid, and feeling very destabilised. I do think I'll be getting back to myself - it doesn't seem to be permanent - but the timing has been unfortunate, as Foxx and Iris seem to really like each other, which has been making me anxious at times. I don't know why or how, but somehow I made a mistake that I swore I'd never make again - I asked Iris to be my girlfriend before I even really knew her. After Natalia, I have found that I really need to get to know people, to build some trust, before I ask them out. I have very real trust issues from that relationship and from Marion - people who lied to me, who used me, who didn't care about the people and relationships in my life, people who wanted me for my body and not for who I really am - people who wanted what I had for themselves. And so I am afraid. Afraid of change - afraid of losing Foxx. Afraid of never waking up in her arms ever again, afraid of never standing on her heated floors. Afraid of never looking deep into her eyes, afraid of never hearing her call me a good girl ever again. Afraid of never laying my head on her chest ever again. Of feeling held in her embrace. I know it can happen because I still miss kissing Marion's cheek, feeling their facial hair against my lips, resting my hand on their chest. They didn't make the effort. They got frustrated and angry instead of trying to each out to repair things. They decided they'd rather lose everything than figure out some way to befriend Freya. What if that happens again? What if I'm jealous and irrational and not myself - what if my anxieties get the best of me, and cost me everything? I'll move to Winnipeg or Edmonton and become a bartender. Fair Aphrodite, and loving Sappho - please wrap me in your loving embrace, and help us all find ourselves and each other. So it was Trans Day Of Visibility a couple days ago. A time every year that I forget all about, till it happens, then I remember why I hate it so much.
It's a pointless opportunity for people and groups who have privilege to basically say "Look at my privilege." Conventionally attractive trans women and the people who profit from them put themselves all over the internet as if to say "I'm a trans woman and I'm not ashamed of that" while wearing full makeup, after getting hundreds of thousands of dollars of plastic surgery, and after changing their voice through various means. There's nothing visible about the transness of a wealthy trans porn star who has had every facial surgery possible in an effort to look like the fake, exaggeratedly feminine women that I thought we had agreed was unhealthy for cis women to aim for in the first place. If you want to contribute to Trans Day of Visibility, post a picture of yourself looking like fucking hell. Give me your facial hair, give me your unflattering angles, give me the real you - the you that goes to the corner store at 9am for cream. Not the perfect, curated version of you. They already get to see that - that's the version of us we create every time we go outside to feel safe and self confident. But that's not what that day is about - it's about being VISIBLY TRANS. The struggles of being trans if you are conventionally attractive are just not the same if you are not. It is easier to be accepted by society if they think you are attractive, so what is to be made of the people who are not conventionally attractive? Aren't these the people who need our help and support, not those of us who can afford the things we need? But nah, lets interview a trans porn star who looks like a barbie doll, and not in the flattering way, I can't wait to hear her opinion on being "Visibly Trans". I can't wait to hear about her penthouse apartment with her douchecanoe of a boyfriend. Sweet, conventionality - just what trans people needed and wanted - to be like everybody else. Ew. Let's talk to this other attractive trans woman who can afford to wear full makeup every time she leaves the house, she must know what it's like to be visibly trans, lets talk to her in professional makeup and with professional lighting. Let's talk to this other trans woman who was able to pass since day 1 with very little effort, gosh what does she have to say about it? She must know the struggle of passing in a judgmental world with constantly shifting goal posts. Let's not talk to disabled trans women, to poor trans women, to closeted trans women, to trans women who can't afford surgery of any kind, never mind the extremely privileged realm of FFS and electrolysis. Who cares about the trans women who can't afford voice lessons or electro or surgery, who didn't have a background of privilege to build their identity from or practice safely within, and who didn't get to stop their testosterone puberty. So yeah, "happy" Trans Day of "Visibility" to everyone. Where am I in your life?
Will I be able to handle the times that I can't keep up? When I need to stay behind, and you go on without me, will you still think of me? What am I even doing. None of this matters. It's all me, it's all my problem, it's all stuff I need to work on. You don't need to worry about it. You don't struggle with these problems. I'm going to miss my life. It's going to pass me by. Why bother trying to keep up? I wish I was someone else. I am supposed to be working on something else, so this will be quick, but in regards to my last post, I have concluded that I need to be more vulnerable and connect more fully with Foxx.
I am afraid. She is a truly wonderful woman, and it will be devastating to lose someone like her, to rattle her cage like Freya has rattled mine. But I love Freya, and connecting with her emotionally, though occasionally regrettable to be fair, has been extremely rewarding and revolutionary for my life and my wellbeing, and I love her because of it. The complicated nature of our relationship is what gives it strength - I know it is resilient from our baser natures because it has been tested and it has survived. We forgive each other. We grow. We understand. We put those voices we steal from one another to away forever together. And that is the kind of relationship I want with Foxx. A real one. Hopefully one where I can apply what I've learned with Freya from the start, instead of cobbling it all together in the middle of a crisis. I'm just You know A walking bundle of anxieties and fears and insecurities... and when I think about how she's described others, who were hurting more than she could handle... she would try for me, right? She would take the time for me right? I know what it's like to love someone who needs more than I can offer. It's painful. I feel like if true, it's already too late. If she reads something like this, she'll know - and she'll keep a distance between us. Alright. Enough. Time to get out of my head. Please. Jesus christ where to start. This is going to be a very painful blog post for me. But I think if I don't write it down, I will never move passed it. This post is for me to heal. If you want to know what I'm going through, feel free to continue. I usually share this blog with people who are important to me. I don't know if that is a good idea or not. I'm very honest in here, and I express ideas that I otherwise would reject. But I need to air the bad ideas to recognize that they are bad. I don't want to install my judgmental voice into the heads of my lovers though. So maybe... don't read this, unless you are prepared to hear me at my most judgmental, cynical, frustrated... And can forgive me.
I want so desperately to heal. To be the woman I feel like I am inside. But anyways. That comes later. I'll start at the beginning of my day I guess. Today I had my first real vocal lesson class. One on one. Over video call. It was great, she's clearly a great teacher. I of course cannot afford it. My mum and my girlfriend said they would help pay for it. Thank fuck for both of them. It was also excruciatingly hard. I mean, it's no wonder I could only get to nonbinary before. I have literally none of the tools I need to really do what I'm trying to do. It is also, philosophically, intensely frustrating for me. I hate it. I hate that I need to do this just to fit in to society. I hate that I need to perform to be seen as the person I feel like I am. I hate that I feel pressured by society to change myself. I resent them for it, for this pressure, for this expectation. Fuck you. Fuck you all for doing it, fuck you all for forcing me to do it too. We could have done something, as a people. United. But what? There is nothing to do. Foolish! She told me something that I did not know, as well: that we lower our voice boxes (and thus our adam's apple) when we socialise as boys voluntarily. I'm still processing how that affects my beliefs. Which, to be clear, are stupid. They are reactionary. The beliefs of a wounded woman, angry at the world which is indifferent at best and outright hateful at worst. There's a song by The Coup that goes "...When you gotta decide between what's good for you, and what's good for the struggle." And the fact is, I don't like my current voice. I don't have a voice I feel comfortable communicating in, really. It's disappointing to hear that my best voice is nonbinary. I don't have a good ear for things either. I just don't have the tools to change my voice, and it frustrates me when I see people who do. And what I want is control - I don't want to be doing something that I don't understand. I don't feel comfortable performing when I do not feel like I have control of myself or my body. And that is something I've come to appreciate I struggle with a lot. I had no idea how frustrated it made me, for years and years I've been carrying around this existential frustration at my body. It is a mystery to me. I don't know what muscles are called, and I don't know where they are and I don't know how to access them. When other people can, it makes me really frustrated at myself. Why didn't anybody tell me? Why didn't anybody help me? How could the system have failed me so badly? Which is such a silly thing to think. The system has literally failed me in every possible way my entire life. I've seen it fail people who needed it, people who wanted it, and people who didn't even notice it failed them. And it's failed me over and over and over. And that's just my body - then there's this aspect of performance that my girlfriend talks about. I don't know how I feel about it. If someone I didn't care about so deeply had said it, I would reject it. But I feel like, I am not a performer. I do not want to perform when I go to the store. I don't want to perform when I answer the phone. I don't want to perform when I'm depressed or tired. Performing is exhausting. I perform every second of my life, hiding my unusualness from others. Performance hides shame. So does frustration and anger. What does it mean then? This is something that will become natural and effortless to me. Does talking in a relaxed voice feel good to me either? No. I genuinely dislike the way it reverberates and the way it makes me feel. Is not performing making me happy? Is looking at this through her lense the right idea? Perhaps not. She is a very intelligent woman, but that doesn't mean her ideas are a drop in replacement for my own. I don't think thinking about this through the lense of performance is right for me. It makes me very uncomfortable. But performance implies the potential for failure. So what then? Now I am once again an island. Where to from here? I don't know. I'll just do what I'm told and practice as best as I can. She said by the third lesson I'll believe I can permanently change my voice. Goddamnit I don't wanna talk about this next part so bad. I'm putting it past a break. CW: Freya, my sweet focksie, if you are reading this, this would be a good place to stop. I'm talking about my insecurities with Foxx, which will include details. Don't forget I love you. There is a voice inside my head.
It is a voice that arose a long time ago. I can't really say when. Maybe it has always been there. But it really found its voice not long ago, and has since grown into a voice that I hear often. It is often chiming in with helpful things like "If you could have done that, you'd be happier." and "it's too late to make any meaningful or effective changes in your life." and "how could someone more successful than you ever really love you?" "She judges you." "She thinks you are less than her." "She doesn't admire you." "She doesn't respect you." "She doesn't think you are as pretty as her." "She doesn't understand your feelings of failure." But I see a pair of pretty grey eyes looking back into mine. "I think your eyes are so pretty." the loving voice in my head wants me to say. "She's not going to say it back" the contrarian says. I say it. "See, I told you." the voice says. It adds a tally mark. "Not only does she not really care about you, she resents your mental health needs. She doesn't care about you and how hard you've struggled, only about how far she's come." "But I know what she is like." I say to the contrarian. "She is not a liar and she does not say things she doesn't mean." "It is not fair to create a situation where every time I compliment her on something, she must do the same to me. It dilutes the authenticity and meaning of her intentional and pure compliments." The contrarian smiles in my mind. A trap laid, and a trap sprung. "She has struggled too." a small voice says. An explosive voice speaks in return. "YOU KNOW NOTHING OF SUFFERING." it says, the other voices silent. They know. They understand. But what is there to say? She did not make me suffer. And what can she do to alleviate my suffering, really? My ship is listing and carrying too great a load, I will sink us both. "Why don't you say something to her?" several voices say. I know it is the right thing to do. I know she will hear me. But the contrarian wants me to say something too. Something laced with bitterness, pain, and tainted with frustration and anger. After filtering through all the layers, it spits out "Good for you" while she is trying to identify with my experience through her own. "Does she understand?" the contrarian says. "She is trying." "Natalia didn't understand." "Natalia is not here." "You don't know that." The contrarian is very persistent. Even the slightest slip is caught. It is an expert in body language and language interpretation - it is constantly looking for the hidden meaning, for a hint of the upcoming heartbreak, to protect the softer parts of me from being in pain. The contrarian is not evil - although they are destructive. They are not me - though they are part of me. They are something I created when I was suffering, to protect me from pain. A prediction engine designed to see into the future, one which unknowingly brings its predictions to pass simply by existing. There is no avoiding pain. There is no avoiding loss. Someday, I will cry when listening to this album and looking at the moon, longing once again for the purity of our love to return, as I have for so many others. And I have had enough of this voice. Of Thanatos - of the inner contrarian, of the doomsayer, of the sunderer of trust and compromiser of beautiful moments. She's a great woman. She is safe to be around - apart from how her own successes make you feel like a failure in your own skin. But you have to get over this. You have to let go of your past failures and just try and make something of your future. Yes, my soft inner selves, she has and had things easier than I and has and had access to almost the exact things in life I feel like I needed to be someone I am not. No doubt, that will hit closer to home than usual, and it does. But this is a once in a lifetime moment. I know you thought you'd love Natalia forever, but if you cannot change course, this will the one that got away, and she will not have time for you if you are wallowing in yourself. All I would need is a hand, outstretched - a hand I've offered to many. Would she offer hers? Or would she, after giving up on you like so many have, never look at you with those eyes ever again, concealing her rolling eyes? And after all, what do I want from her? What is there for her to do? She cannot change my past, nor can she change me. Gestures are great, and she makes many for you. Why can you not take them to heart? Because I do not trust anyone with who I really am inside. Everyone who has gotten to know me really does not like me. Because I am selfish, wounded, and bitter. And how is that working, anyways? How is bitterness working out for you? Would you say it's protecting you? No. Selfishness though thats working right? Still no? Huh. And keeping those wounds fresh, is that good? No? So you've created this personality to protect you, but it only serves to further isolate you and keep you from connecting with others. You think she wants you to silently cry on her shoulder without her knowing after she talks about her achievements? You think she doesn't want to hear about you, your story, your life? You have two partners. You could easily have more. But you don't let them connect to you either. You know these people care about you. You know how you feel when your friends need you, and trust you. You see how silly it is for them to say they are afraid. What is there to be afraid of, my dear, you are with us and me. You need to let go of it. You cannot change the past and how you got here. You will not get satisfaction from hating people or events or your past. You will not get satisfaction from being bitter about the world and the people in it who are just trying to live and survive and make their own way. You need to let go of that jealousy. Of that anger. Of that hate. Of that resentment. Of that regret. Of the fear. Stop worrying so much about being right, and just worry about being happy. And fucking talk to people who love you about how you feel. You want to heal? *Fucking Talk About Your Feelings* It's ok to have complicated feelings. Life is complicated. I have met someone new.
I have made the decision to do everything I can to control the intensity of my feelings for her. So far, I think I'm doing a pretty good job. If there is to be anything learned from my past relationships, it must be that. My obsessive tendencies allows people to take too much advantage of me. It encourages me to hide too much of myself, and rewards me for just doing whatever feels good at the time, regardless of the long term consequences. It lead me to hurt people who were important to me, although I never did fully lose sight of such things, I did come closer than I wanted. So I've been taking it slow. Not just in person, but in my mind as well. However, I have only just begun to show my more vulnerable side to her. As I had already mentioned to her, it is surprisingly difficult. I'm seeing her tonight. I'm anxious, as always, that is why you find me here. I will need to talk to her about... me. About who I am, really. I should avoid using the word 'failure'. I'm not sure if I can. An honest appraisal of my life does suggest it is not a fair word to describe myself. Most people I know consider me smart and funny, if nothing else, and those are two things I find to not be a descriptor of a failure of a person. Anyone I meet who is smart and funny is a major winner in my book. It is so very difficult to shake those tethers of capitalism, the values it tries to instill in us in order to keep it alive. But I don't live for capitalism - I live for me, for my lovers, for my family, for my community. Capitalism lives there, but it steals from us - and I want no part of it. So I'm a "creative" now I guess. Are the creatives I've known failures just because it has not produced much money for them? I'm even published, ish. And I'm determined - I've got a 5000 word outline for my story. So a failure I seem to be not. I wish you would believe me when I tell you things.
When I tell you I love you still. When I promise I won't replace you with someone else. But I do know how hard it is to listen. In THIS economy. |
AuthorChristina Hitchens is a trans female writer living in BC, Canada. She loves computers, animals, and a good argument. Archives
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