CAPTAIN'S BLOG
I wish it didn't have to be this way.
You promised it wouldn't be. I know that it is the way it is because this is the way it has to be for you and for us. Perhaps I was right to be afraid to suggest that we live apart - perhaps almost no one can survive being told it be best that we live apart, the existential dread of being replaced by someone you detest a violent infection indeed. It's too early to know what the future will bring. How much of you even remains, I wonder? The Aria I loved died forever one fateful summer day. I really don't think I'll ever hear from her ever again. Did the Marion I love die one winter day? Did they die forever, too? Will Sasuke ever return to the village hidden in the leaves? I struggle with how I've handled things. I hope I was fair. Things were rushed. But that all happened because of their behaviour. They know my history. They watched as the pain from Aria turned me into someone I was not. And I can see how they've tried not to repeat the same mistakes Aria did, but whatever the program is that demands that someone set fire to what they once loved is powerful indeed. Sometimes I thought that I needed a break from Marion. Aria fucked me up so bad, I fear I need a lot of time alone to really find myself again. I really don't have time for that - I can't look the people I love in the face and leave them behind, not without trying everything else first. But that just seems to strangle all the love from what I loved about that other person, one day at a time, until there is nothing left but fighting over the state of light switches and over whose cleaning what. Life for Marion and I was hard. So hard. I didn't want to give up on us, or on them. They fought for us, for me, every day at that stupid restauraunt. Pointlessly. We were never going to get anywhere - there are no raises for uneducated line cooks. Even if they got that dollar raise, that wouldn't have gotten us anywhere. And so what was there to do? Keep trading life for money? Marion said they could do it. Because I was a fool, I believed them. I should have known better - tried harder to get them on disability. To get them away from the murder grind, wearing away at their psyche one day at a time. I guess that's the difference. Aria died overnight, Marion died one night at a time, one shift at a time. 14$ at a time. These days I mostly just wonder if I'll ever see them again. Is Marion still out there? Are they thinking of me? Will they ever come back to my little village hidden in the leaves? I hope they remember that it is never too late to say I'm sorry.
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AuthorChristina Hitchens is a trans female writer living in BC, Canada. She loves computers, animals, and a good argument. Archives
March 2022
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