CAPTAIN'S BLOG
Good bye my little dove.
I will miss you so, so much. I will miss your heart. I will miss your love. I will miss your beauty. I will miss your mind. I miss looking into your eyes with love in mine, I miss thinking of you and smiling, I miss holding your face in my hands and seeing love in your eyes, I miss seeing beautiful things and thinking of you, I miss the view from your bedroom window, with you in frame. I miss the look in your eyes when you wanted to make love to me. And the gentle sounds of lovemaking that resulted from that seductive look. I'll never forget the way you made me feel when you told me I was beautiful. Or how you looked when I told you the same. Or how I felt when you first said you loved spending time with me. Or when you first told Oakley that you loved me. Or how it felt when I finally told you that I loved you, and you looked at me with those beautiful honey brown eyes of yours, and you told me you loved me too. Or you on stage, fierceness in your eyes and thunder erupting from your arms. Or you playing the drums on my legs while looking off into the distance, concentrating. Or the simple pleasure of your hand clasped in mine, Walking in front of the Princeton. Standing beside the road, you looked into my eyes and said "I love being gay with you, Jessica." And how my heart sang with the words I heard and said! "I love being gay with you too, Natalia." -- I know it was too soon for us to meet. I knew it within a month of loving you. I cried so many times, perhaps hoping to take the edge off when this day came. But no, there are just as many now as there was on the drive home from the ferry, and when you'd say things about men, but not about me, and every day I had to go home early. And please, do not take that as a jab. I understand now, and understood then, how tired you are. I have been there. Your need for recuperative time is as important to me now as it was then. I wanted to tell you before we broke up that although I wanted more of your time, I understood that you didn't have room for it in your life right now. I wanted to talk about some other arrangement, like seeing each other less frequently but for a longer duration, or maybe even just having a chance to tell you how I felt as I kept getting to know you. I was hurt by things you'd said and wanted to talk about them but we spent so little time together I didn't want to spoil it. Perhaps that was wrong. But I wanted to give us more time together to experience each other more fully - I wanted to be there for you when you were tired at night, when you woke up in the morning, when you got frustrated at something during your day, when you were sad about anything at all, and most importantly, to relax with you, to simply be with you. I'd have been perfectly happy listening to music for hours with you, laying on the bed, exchanging heartfelt glances. I can only hope that someday, we will find each other again with love in our hearts. Whatever happens, if you ever need a warm bed, heart, ears, or arms, I hope you will call me. I will always do my best to be there for you, and I will always worry about you and wish you well.
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AuthorChristina Hitchens is a trans female writer living in BC, Canada. She loves computers, animals, and a good argument. Archives
March 2022
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