CAPTAIN'S BLOG
There is a voice inside my head.
It is a voice that arose a long time ago. I can't really say when. Maybe it has always been there. But it really found its voice not long ago, and has since grown into a voice that I hear often. It is often chiming in with helpful things like "If you could have done that, you'd be happier." and "it's too late to make any meaningful or effective changes in your life." and "how could someone more successful than you ever really love you?" "She judges you." "She thinks you are less than her." "She doesn't admire you." "She doesn't respect you." "She doesn't think you are as pretty as her." "She doesn't understand your feelings of failure." But I see a pair of pretty grey eyes looking back into mine. "I think your eyes are so pretty." the loving voice in my head wants me to say. "She's not going to say it back" the contrarian says. I say it. "See, I told you." the voice says. It adds a tally mark. "Not only does she not really care about you, she resents your mental health needs. She doesn't care about you and how hard you've struggled, only about how far she's come." "But I know what she is like." I say to the contrarian. "She is not a liar and she does not say things she doesn't mean." "It is not fair to create a situation where every time I compliment her on something, she must do the same to me. It dilutes the authenticity and meaning of her intentional and pure compliments." The contrarian smiles in my mind. A trap laid, and a trap sprung. "She has struggled too." a small voice says. An explosive voice speaks in return. "YOU KNOW NOTHING OF SUFFERING." it says, the other voices silent. They know. They understand. But what is there to say? She did not make me suffer. And what can she do to alleviate my suffering, really? My ship is listing and carrying too great a load, I will sink us both. "Why don't you say something to her?" several voices say. I know it is the right thing to do. I know she will hear me. But the contrarian wants me to say something too. Something laced with bitterness, pain, and tainted with frustration and anger. After filtering through all the layers, it spits out "Good for you" while she is trying to identify with my experience through her own. "Does she understand?" the contrarian says. "She is trying." "Natalia didn't understand." "Natalia is not here." "You don't know that." The contrarian is very persistent. Even the slightest slip is caught. It is an expert in body language and language interpretation - it is constantly looking for the hidden meaning, for a hint of the upcoming heartbreak, to protect the softer parts of me from being in pain. The contrarian is not evil - although they are destructive. They are not me - though they are part of me. They are something I created when I was suffering, to protect me from pain. A prediction engine designed to see into the future, one which unknowingly brings its predictions to pass simply by existing. There is no avoiding pain. There is no avoiding loss. Someday, I will cry when listening to this album and looking at the moon, longing once again for the purity of our love to return, as I have for so many others. And I have had enough of this voice. Of Thanatos - of the inner contrarian, of the doomsayer, of the sunderer of trust and compromiser of beautiful moments. She's a great woman. She is safe to be around - apart from how her own successes make you feel like a failure in your own skin. But you have to get over this. You have to let go of your past failures and just try and make something of your future. Yes, my soft inner selves, she has and had things easier than I and has and had access to almost the exact things in life I feel like I needed to be someone I am not. No doubt, that will hit closer to home than usual, and it does. But this is a once in a lifetime moment. I know you thought you'd love Natalia forever, but if you cannot change course, this will the one that got away, and she will not have time for you if you are wallowing in yourself. All I would need is a hand, outstretched - a hand I've offered to many. Would she offer hers? Or would she, after giving up on you like so many have, never look at you with those eyes ever again, concealing her rolling eyes? And after all, what do I want from her? What is there for her to do? She cannot change my past, nor can she change me. Gestures are great, and she makes many for you. Why can you not take them to heart? Because I do not trust anyone with who I really am inside. Everyone who has gotten to know me really does not like me. Because I am selfish, wounded, and bitter. And how is that working, anyways? How is bitterness working out for you? Would you say it's protecting you? No. Selfishness though thats working right? Still no? Huh. And keeping those wounds fresh, is that good? No? So you've created this personality to protect you, but it only serves to further isolate you and keep you from connecting with others. You think she wants you to silently cry on her shoulder without her knowing after she talks about her achievements? You think she doesn't want to hear about you, your story, your life? You have two partners. You could easily have more. But you don't let them connect to you either. You know these people care about you. You know how you feel when your friends need you, and trust you. You see how silly it is for them to say they are afraid. What is there to be afraid of, my dear, you are with us and me. You need to let go of it. You cannot change the past and how you got here. You will not get satisfaction from hating people or events or your past. You will not get satisfaction from being bitter about the world and the people in it who are just trying to live and survive and make their own way. You need to let go of that jealousy. Of that anger. Of that hate. Of that resentment. Of that regret. Of the fear. Stop worrying so much about being right, and just worry about being happy. And fucking talk to people who love you about how you feel. You want to heal? *Fucking Talk About Your Feelings* It's ok to have complicated feelings. Life is complicated.
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AuthorChristina Hitchens is a trans female writer living in BC, Canada. She loves computers, animals, and a good argument. Archives
March 2022
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