CAPTAIN'S BLOG
Cat Like Thief - Box Car Racer
I fell down again But I can't complain Another false step Could drive me insane I only got myself here to blame So I shake off defeat and I start again Oh no I said I wanna go back But I can't win the shit And I'm gonna stay on track Yeah, make a deal like that I keep my head up But I never react I wrote it down a list a month ago Sixteen chapters of one thing you've blown The best thing yet To help you through and through That she was I feel her more than you Don't leave Don't leave her I get up just to get knocked back down I sit up just to get knocked around I wanna say something But you're out of town I don't wanna have another show down I say stand up (hey, yo) Lets make it clear follow you home (no) You were not there you saw him comin (jump) You disappear Oh no everything seems so clear You think you see me here all along Got my crew comin now One by one Two by two Three by three Four by four Lets do some more Call me back when word is that she's gone Cat like thief she stole air from my lungs Leave me standing on this lonely grave I dug it out in case she turns away Don't leave(Don't leave her) Don't leave her(Don't leave her) Don't leave(Don't leave her) Don't leave her(Don't leave her) You think you seen it, All along got my crew comin One by one Two by two Three by three Four by four Lets do some more Don't leave(Don't leave her) Don't leave her(Don't leave her) Don't leave Don't leave her Don't leave Don't leave her Don't leave ----- But song lyrics from emo bands from my high school years are the easy part. An emotion-based-memory snippet that makes sense only to me. Before I get to the point(lessness) of the music though, something bigger is pressing on my mind. Seemingly impossibly, another of Oakley's friends has died. This person much closer to her - a person I, myself, knew. It seems impossible that two young people could die from the same thing within two weeks of each other, but it simply isn't. Not in Vancouver, and not in the trans community. And I find myself frustrated again. Confused again. Conflicted again. There was nothing I could have done to save Kate or Skylar. I didn't know them well enough, I wasn't in a position to help them. And maybe I'm not in a position to help Marion anymore, either. But I have decided it is time to reflect deeper and harder than before. As an often great man sometimes says, it's time to dig deep. Though I've since given up my testicles, Gordon is genderless in his desire for everyone to find their bollocks, so I hear his voice saying that to me as well. Perhaps there is no better time to reflect deep on forgiveness, boundaries, and growth, than after seeing the shadow of death as it rounds the corner. Most plainly, it's time to dig deep on how I feel about IV drug users. Needles have always made me nervous. They used to make me faint, just talking about them, even. Talking about my blood still makes me faint. But at least 10 consecutive days of IV antibiotics and two major surgeries has basically cured me of my fear of needles. This person I knew was a young trans woman. She had recently had gender affirming surgery, and is a decade my junior. She was one "the kids" - although she was the oldest, and the most troublesome, which is something I unfairly held against her. It's too easy to just write off or dislike someone forever who is difficult in that one way that rubs you the wrong way. She literally had her whole life ahead of her. I was nothing when I was 21. I didn't even know who I was or who I was going to be at 21. I would think of what my old self would be like, and I couldn't imagine what I would look like as an old man. To think that life could end so early. It's impossible to imagine what not having the last ten years of my life would be like. To have never met Oakley, or Marion, or even Aria, or Rain, or Aaron, or Marlo, or Jeff, or any of the people who I met only briefly in that interim, through loud music and with lots of other drugs in my system, and all of the people I know in between. Not just to have never met Oakley, but to have no inkling that I would ever even meet someone like Oakley, much less that we would love each other. Ten years ago I knew nothing of the future I would have and would look forward to, none of the experiences I look back upon to get me through tough times. No Death and The Present Moment, no Sam Harris, no identity and sexual revolution. To think of how envious I was - to be a young trans person I thought. How foolish, and selfish of me. Clearly, I have no idea what it was like for them. Our society has made it easy to dismiss drug users of every stripe, but especially IV drug users. These were people struggling to be happy. Struggling to just stay alive. Struggling with their own mental health issues which are barely handled by the system at best. If Kate had someone with them, they'd still be alive. The stigma against IV drug users needs to change, starting with me. They need our help, our support, our presence - so if they get some fentanyl in their shit, they don't fucking accidentally die in their bedroom alone. Naloxone saves lives every day. Even fucking libraries have kits and training. But none of that would have saved either of these kids. The only thing that would have saved them is having someone with Naloxone training in the room with them, a logistical and staffing nightmare, or full legalisation of all drugs - just a logistical nightmare. This girl and that boy should have been able to get their drugs from a pharmacy. Safe, pharmacy provided drugs of all kinds should be available to addicts at no cost. These drugs are a part of these people's lives - I am personally very lucky that my drugs of choice are not randomly deadly. There are no joints or bottles of rum or tabs of LSD that will randomly kill any of us. And that's not fair. Justice is something we make for each other as human beings who care about other human beings. It is built out of the effort of people, for people. People like my father have contributed to this. Whether he personally feels this way or not, his belief structure and most importantly, his vote supports this structure. The lost votes of everyone who abstains are also at fault here. Doing nothing when others suffer needlessly is compliance. We need change right now. And this brings me to something that has been on mind since Levi died. All of this makes me think of Marion. The fact that it makes me think of Marion makes me feel awful, and confused. Awful because Oakley has lost two people, forever, irreversibly and irrevocably. There is no turning back for Levi or Kate. Their stories have forever ended. Although it feels that way with Marion, it is simply not true. I can see their footprints everywhere, just like I saw Aria's. They are around. They exist. Although Aria eventually fell off the face of the earth, so I'm sure someday Marion will too. And that's what confuses me. Because it makes me think of how I could have tried harder, even though I know I tried as hard as I could, and could no longer. How much I miss their smell, their smile, their laugh. I miss being held by them, and of course, I miss the head pets. Simple little things. That was our life - a simple, little life, shared one day at a time for a year and 3/4's. We tried to do more with our lives but we couldn't - we couldn't break free of the cycle. It seems so obvious now that working so much was tearing at your soul. And one day it just blew up. Somewhat like a death, your mind was just gone one day. Suddenly unreachable, like a different person. Never to be heard from again, except perhaps as proof of life from the beyond. A spectre that haunts our old spaces. A ghost in plaid shirts and red lipstick and bandanas and bright blue shoes. What once was safe, was now dangerous. You, directly, were. You called me names and insulted my disability to my face, multiple times. I know you couldn't control yourself, and I know you were caught up in your own mental health issues. I wish I could have been the sort of person and in the position where I could have handled that better. I didn't want things to go this way, and I know you didn't either. It's true that I was tired. Worn down of being poor all the time, tired of needing you to work more but seeing every day that you couldn't. Eager to believe you when you said you could handle it, because that meant I could finally just relax a bit. Enjoy my life a bit. All while you were fading, suffering, selling a piece of yourself every day while I was looking for anything to enjoy again in my life and and in others, and then having to re-exploring my sexuality all over again with the limitation that penetrative sex was basically always painful. I cried so much over that loss. Losing the ability to be physically intimate with you made me hate myself and the choices I'd made. And to then feel so sexually alive with Oakley only made me feel even guiltier, even more confused. I was proud to be a pansexual woman. But now, I'm not so sure. I guess I'm gay now, or for now, at least. I wish we would have had this conversation. I know that it must have been hard given your history with Oakley, and I know that it's easier said than done, and dealing with your issues surrounding Oakley is much more complicated than talking about some singular incident - it's part of something much larger and more complicated. Jealousy and your past and I'm certain things none of us have thought of. I just want us all to bury that hatchet. However we can build a path towards doing that, is what I want to do. Death makes me think about the times I could have been more gentle, more understanding. I can't change the past. Being honest with myself I know I couldn't have done it in the moment - if I could have, I really would have. but I am determined to not hang on to my anger like I did with Aria, even though I tried desperately to let it go with her, this time I find myself more able to. Maybe that is the only benefit of the death of a friend - greater self reflection. I can only hope some this light shines on you as well. So, I hope to hear from you sometime. Please be ready to discuss openly and honestly the things you have said to me. And of course, you will need to talk to Oakley at some point. If you are willing to do these things, I would be willing to meet with you before I leave in June. If you feel the need to have a neutral party present, that is fine with me. We used to be best friends. I went through some of the hardest times of my life with you. I used to know everything there was to know about you, and I used to kiss you every night before we went to sleep because I knew the day would come that I wouldn't be able to any longer. I love you like a sibling, like the sibling I've never had. I know that is a strange sentiment. But trans people don't form families like cis people do. And I guess in a way every sibling pair goes through these kinds of struggles and I guess that is the thread that still pulls at my heart strings. Whatever word we use to describe our relationship, I regret that I left Aria as someone I hate. If she died tomorrow... I don't know what I'd do or say or feel. I have never hated my exes. Well, I have for a time, but I always want to at least reach some mutual understanding. You are someone I cared about dearly, and it breaks my heart knowing you are out there, without me, even though it must be this way for now. All I can think about right now, other than who is next, is how I would feel if I got a phone call telling me that you were dead. Accidentally or purposefully, it doesn't really matter how, I've learned from being just outside the blast radius of suffering that has been the last two weeks of my girlfriend and the people she has met through her time in outreach in Vancouver, both as a client, and as a worker. I have learned a lot from her about what it means to be compassionate, which might seem ironic, given the caricature of her that I know exists in the minds of some people about her - but the deep her, the real her, the person that shows in times of duress is one of kindness and compassion and love. Although it has been easy for me to imagine others complexly while I am at my best, what I see in her is the capacity to Love as a Verb, to quote another favourite high school song, while she is at her worst. She speaks eloquently and from the heart about what it means to lose someone, and I can do nothing but listen, and agree. It is reminder that the brain is a muscle, and whatever you do more of is what you get out of yourself. And that is why medication and having someone appropriate to talk to is so important. We tried to be everything to each other, and that didn't work. Let's try to be something new to each other. I leave you with another silly emo song from my childhood. Though no song ever perfectly captures how I feel, I have bookended this post with songs that I turned to during my greatest sense of loneliness in this world. I don't know if it's appropriate or if they're the best songs to use or if this whole post is just a fool's errand. I've changed my mind a few times about whether to include them. And, if nothing else, thank you for your kind email, and I wish you well. I Feel So - Box Car Racer Sometimes I wish I was brave I wish I was stronger wish I could feel no pain wish I was young wish I was shy I wish I was honest I wish I was you not I -Chorus- Cause' I feel so mad I feel so angry Feel so callused So lost confused, again Feel so cheep So used unfaithful Lets start over Lets start over -Verse 2- Sometimes I wish I was smart I wish I made cures for How people are I wish I had power I wish I could give I wish I could change the world For you and me Cause' I feel so mad I feel so angry Feel so callused So lost confused, again Feel so cheep So used unfaithful Lets start over Lets start over Cause' I feel so mad I feel so angry Feel so callused So lost confused, again Feel so cheep So used unfaithful Lets start over Lets start over Cause' I feel so mad I feel so angry Feel so callused So lost confused, again Feel so cheep So used unfaithful Lets start over Lets start over Lets start over...
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AuthorChristina Hitchens is a trans female writer living in BC, Canada. She loves computers, animals, and a good argument. Archives
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