CAPTAIN'S BLOG
I have done a lot of healing and crying and thinking about Natalia lately.
This will come as a big surprise to anyone who knows me. The more I think about the way she treated me, the more shocked I am. I just, gave her the benefit of the doubt, at every turn. I accepted that she had her personality quirks, her own issues, triggers, sensitivities, and even selfish internal ideas. Ideas she's testing, ideas she's struggling to reject, and ideas she's struggling to embrace. At least, I can infer that much from my own experiences. And she seems to have given me very little of the same considerations. I saw a meme yesterday that brought me asunder, as fully half of the list of "triggering events" occurred to me in rapid succession in the car on that day, when I was apparently expected to fluently and reasonably defend myself for, unbeknownst to me, was my one and only opportunity to do so. After two weeks of doing my best to keep my anxiety under control out of respect for her struggles, we clash and afterwards, there is simply nothing. Perhaps that really is for the better. As much as it calms me to realize that she treated me poorly, it makes me angry. I'm angry that I would let myself be treated that way, and that she would get away without knowing that she treated me that way. That my last attempt to communicate with her where so placationary, makes me want to physically wretch. Sometimes, I dream about kicking the shit out of whatever garbage guy she's walking down the street with, so that I can finally have the five minutes of her attention I think I deserve. And it concerns me. Really, I don't want to feel this way at all. She's two years away, more than one lover behind me, and obviously never really gave a shit about who I really am. She used me for my body, and my car. At least I got something out of it too. And in a way, my victory is the one she may care the most about: She never let me share my most favourite and precious of experiences with her, and she gave me a few deeply treasured memories as well. Don't let anyone ever tell you that you can't get fucked by an asshole though. Cause she sure will.
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AuthorChristina Hitchens is a trans female writer living in BC, Canada. She loves computers, animals, and a good argument. Archives
March 2022
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