CAPTAIN'S BLOG
My partner said this to me a couple of days ago, and it really got me thinking.
Without a doubt, my life has been marked by obsessions with women. My most powerful memories revolve around the women who have captured my attention. I have definitely acted foolishly in the past. Embarrassing moments are the crown jewel of the sweetest memories of my life. Mistakes made with enthusiasm, not really knowing or understanding, especially in my teen life, how unequal enthusiasm can scare people away. Looking back, I can see how my obsession was driven by my desire to be a woman. I became the most obsessed with women who I most wanted to be, almost exactly to the degree I wanted to be them. I wanted to be as beautiful as the Carissa's, as smart and funny as Mina, as sexy and nerdy as Sirena, as cool and interesting as CJ, as cool and sexy and funny as Anastasia, as tough and athletic as Marlo, as loving and fiery as Freya, and as smart and cool and sexy and independent as Natalia. These were the things that my mind focused on, brought up feelings on. Things that, to me, defined them in my mind. They all, of course, had many other wonderful (and even some shitty) traits. I was never selective about what I found worth admiring, or even envying, in the women I loved. And therein lies the quandary. If I am not obsessing about someone, I don't feel alive. But Natalia has hurt me in a way that will change me forever. I no longer feel safe loving someone like that - letting them into my castle gates through the gateway in my eyes, free to slaughter my animals and burn my grain. The words "I love being gay with you" lowering the drawbridge to my inner sanctum. Nearly a year later, the word "disgusted" still rings in my ears. And that's fucking ridiculous. Yes, my feelings for her were out of control. It was excellent. I felt safe - to be free with my love, to say it, to hear it, to see it in her eyes. I let myself go, letting myself get obsessed, so that I could enjoy some time without depression. But I guess that's not really working for me, is it? Now I find myself with two loving partners. Good people. Someone who accepts me and doesn't judge me or my mistakes - who knows mistakes are something that happens in life. Especially in the ignorance of adolescence. Especially when educated in America. But I find myself not obsessed with either of them. Which leaves me with a deep sense of dissatisfaction, which I also resent. I want to love these women as they deserve - with the attention that I gave all the women in my life I've wanted to be the most. So I have no obsession, and as such, am consumed with depression. Too depressed to see anyone, and paralyzed by the fear of Natalia happening to me again, as she already has so many times. Just livin my life at the bottom of a coffee cup.
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AuthorChristina Hitchens is a trans female writer living in BC, Canada. She loves computers, animals, and a good argument. Archives
March 2022
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