CAPTAIN'S BLOG
RIP Aria Hannolyn Cheng, February 1986 - April 10th, 2014
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So today is the last day Aria's things stay in my apartment. After today, the breakup is, at last, complete. By tomorrow, it'll all be gone, and so will any reason to contact her ever again.
In the last two days there was a flurry of communication - unfortunately, I tried to reach out to her, and it just made her angrier. Now not only is she saying that two lights she already admitted to stealing from me are hers, but the two I have here are also hers. I know I bought them myself, and for myself, with my money. There is simply no other reality. The idea that Aria would buy anything for me anyways is quite ludicrous - if what she says really is true (and statistically speaking, it probably isn't), then the only person she ever spent money on is herself. Except for that one time she bought me the tail. She never paid rent - although I think she may have paid for 40% of her half once - she helped with groceries for a month or so, but complained when her money wasn't going straight to her. She seems to be utterly clueless of the multiple generosities I offered her. Perhaps in the future, she will remember. It's funny - she goes in for surgery later this week, for breast augmentation. No one has anyone deserved anything less. She comes from a wealthy family, who are paying for her surgery in cash, and yet my family was the one who bore the brunt of all of our, and thus her, expenses. But hey. This isn't about the lack of justice in my life - besides, in the moment I was happy to do those things for her because I cared about her so much. I wanted to talk about how hard it is to break up with someone with BPD. When leaving anyone, it's hard - unless you've truly grown to hate each other, there's usually at least one party who just wants the best for the other. I wanted Aria to be happy - I could see that my evolving sexuality and poor motivation was holding her back, and I could see that my attempts at helping her master her BPD weren't helping, and there was no sign of interest in anything that will really help her. She downloaded books, but never read them, opened workbooks, but never did anything in them. And I get it - it's hard to work on oneself when you're feeling shitty. Well, sorta. I feel like I've been doing a lot of self-work lately. So it was hard being there and knowing that not only was I not able to help, but I was making things worse, and she wasn't making an effort to improve or help me help her. So I wanted us to separate, to give her space and time to focus on herself. She most certainly did that, that's for sure. As soon as she knew the breakup was final, the way she felt about me changed entirely. An almost perfect inversion - however strong her positive feelings were, that was how strong her negative feelings towards me now were/are. But it's so, so hard to remember that. I still see the cute smiling face in my head when I think about her sometimes. And I think about the good times we had, and I figure... there's just gotta be some way to reach her. Somehow. So I write and write and write... desperate to reach her. Maybe I can say something that eases her suffering. Maybe the right combination of words will release her from the spell she has succumbed to. And that's the curse of loving someone with BPD: there is nothing you can say that will help. No matter what you say, it will only make things even worse. You can be nice - but that just reinforces that they lost something that they want, making them angrier. You can be mean - but almost everyone responds to aggression with aggression - and it is certainly no less true with people with BPD. You can be neutral - but either that will make them angry too, or you will simply get dead air. There is nothing you can say, nothing you can do, to reach them. Waiting isn't even a good idea - a person with BPD can hold onto their hate for a very, very long time. I have, after all, seen it firsthand. I guess that's the big lesson here that I learned. With people without BPD, you can reach out an olive branch and be honest and genuine, and they will often respond to that honesty and genuineness. I even saw it in the friends of hers' I reached out to - they wanted to help me, but they know just as well as I that there is nothing they can do. I'm still not 100% sure I believe that though - and I think it's worth trying anyways. Sometimes people can be reached and the spell can be broken. But, not usually. So if anyone out there is thinking of leaving or breaking up with their partner with BPD, just remember that as soon as they know you're gone for good, you are at risk for all of their tools of manipulation. Be prepared. Keep your words to yourself and your closest confidants, be dispassionate and prioritize your needs over theirs. Nothing you do to improve the situation will improve the situation. And, good luck. Ah yes. Living at Marion's, I had come to forget about the leafblowers - but here they are once again.
I remember them last week too. But what's interesting to reflect on about the leaf blowers is their timing - twice in a row, it's been in the afternoon, around 2 or so. Perhaps that's an indication of when they will arrive in the future. That's nice, because being woken up by them was definitely unpleasant. I'm a light sleeper, so they woke me up easily. Aria would always sleep through it. What's funny and or interesting about me noticing this is that every friday was a day that I was worried Aria would get angry at the leafblower guys like she did with the pressure washer guys. She never did do anything like that again, but the fear that it might happen is still carved into the neurons of my brain, and with their siren song, comes a pang of that fear. The brain deals with suddenly dangerous events, sudden catastrophes, by putting the adrenal system into overdrive when experiencing similar events. Aria trying to throw a bucket of water at the pressure washer guys was a deeply alarming experience, and my brain worked very hard to try to protect itself from further emotional trauma. It's annoying because an activated adrenal system leads to anxiety, circular thinking, and all kinds of unpleasant behaviour. Writing really helps me calm down, it helps me deactivate my adrenal system. "I'll let you in on how I'm feeling:
You've got a lot of nerve. You'll get what you deserve. Granted, this feeling's unappealing - I'm bitter I'll admit - Now I've got to deal with it. Just one more thing o.k? It's all so sad to say. It's so sad to say, What we had has gone away. You could say it's sad. Think of what we could have had. I'll let you out without resistance. Parting this way is not the way we ever thought, In fact I always thought we'd go the distance - But we went nowhere quick - So sad it makes me sick! Just one more thing o.k. It's all so sad to say. It's so sad to say, what we had has gone away. You could say it's sad - Think of what we could have had. My animosity has gotten the best of me, It's been feeding off a sadness deep inside me - that will fade I pray. And in time it will I know. So far it's fading slow. Just one more thing o.k? It's all so sad to say. It's so sad to say, What we had has gone away. You could say it's sad. Think of what we could have had. So sad to say." -Bosstones Curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal!
After all, above all else - did a great man not once say - to thine own self, be true? reaking up with someone with BPD is a real challenge. What got me is that I was expecting some rational part of them to remain - unfortunately, given the intensity of the emotional shock, they can't help that that part of the brain is submerged. Had I believed what I had read and what people said about breaking up with Aria, things would have gone much, much smoother. For me at least. I wouldn't be missing things I bought, like light fixtures, power bars, and even personal items, like collars and leather wristbands, to weird things like a ratty old hand towel and an ugly faded beach towel. So for proof's sake, here is our full conversation, hosted on Imgur: Here. If someone thinks they would better presented in a different format, please let me know. Just for fun, here's my opening email: (I helped pay for her tuition multiple times, including her living rent for free the whole time she was with me)
Breaking up with someone with Borderline Personality disorder is difficult, and requires preparation.
Unfortunately, I didn't do any of that. During my search for support, someone asked me that above question. I do love to talk about things that have happened to me - ask me about Alexis sometime - and I find explaining how things went down to be very cathartic. So without further ado: "Can I ask what lead to the breakup? What was the last straw for you? Well, it all started pretty much exactly a year ago. Everything was great - although she had a manageable temper - but then the Mirtazapine Nation attacked. It's a standard anti depressant issued by her doctor. She reacted to it very badly, and it uncovered her latent BPD and BP disorders. Two weeks of absolute hell went by. Trying to throw buckets of water at workers who were taking a lunch break on the street, broken glasses, anger and hate pointed at everyone. My birthday is on the 20th, and I remember being so, so terrified of what might have happened had she been that way for my birthday party. Of course, now I wish everyone had seen, but when she got off the Mirtazapine she mostly got back to normal, and then over time got worse again. But around that time I had already decided that I couldn't be with someone who was so angry. But if she could improve, and if I could help her, that would be exactly what I would hope to be able to do for another person I got along so well with and loved so deeply. She was my first love after coming out and transitioning. Estrogen has definitely made the breakup much more painful. She helped me figure out what kind of transwoman I am and helped me find a place in the queer community. She introduced me to polyamoury, and said she was poly-curious when we first met, but any mention of exploring it was met with broken glasses and angry tears until around the time we met Marion-Jane, my current girlfriend, which was in December. I stated that without someone else in the relationship to fulfill what Aria couldn't, I would have to leave her. I couldn't stay in a one-sided relationship that I get nothing - no emotional satisfaction, no sexual satisfaction, and eroding intellectual satisfaction. It was so funny to see that exact concept in one of the docs for this subreddit. Wow. It all really started just in December. Crazy. The 15th was our first date I think. We went on a threesome date, and it was awesome. Marion and I got along concerningly well, and Aria and Marion managed to get along well enough. But Marion and I both knew we had found someone very special - each other - and were willing to do whatever we could to keep things afloat. We both tried our best to be gentle, but of course, every single friction point exploded into a giant fireball. Soon Marion decided she had enough and broke up with both of us. This relieved Aria but devastated me - I didn't know I could cry like that, or for so long - so I quickly patched things up just Marion and I and hoped that we could rebuild things over time after getting to know each other better. And we tried and had disaster after disaster and just when things started to improve, they'd get worse again. I was falling deeper in love with Marion with every passing minute, whether she was around or not. I am perfectly capable of deeply loving two people at once, but Aria continued to generate friction with Marion at every turn. On New Years, I was missing Marion so, so deeply I couldn't believe it. We were having a small, intimate party with LSD and sexy times with our paramours. I desperately wanted Marion to be there. But I knew that Aria didn't want her there, because there's no way Marion and I aren't going to have sex at such an event. And it's going to sound way better than the sex she has with anyone (especially since I'm loud in general), so she'll get jealous and it'll ruin everyone's night. So I just keep my mouth shut. Around midnight, the LSD is kicking my ass and I'm missing Marion so much I can hardly believe it. Aria sees that I'm upset, asks me why, and I tell her it's because Marion isn't at the party. And she says oh, well, you didn't ask if she could come, so I assumed she couldn't make it. I was stunned. Marion had nothing to do that night. And her being there meant everything to me. I can't really remember what happened after that. Eventually I went to sleep, with a lot on my mind. I woke up, and I had only one thing on my mind. I'm done. So I moved in with Marion on Jan 1st. I stayed with her a week, we went to visit her family on the island, and the magicalness simply continued like the goddamn sunrise. But towards the end my anxiety spiked and one of our paramours did something he wasn't supposed to do which really hurt my feelings. Aria and I did LSD the next day to help rekindle things between us. A 300ug dose - a big one. All at once. It was intense. But not unpleasant. I remember looking around the room at my roommate, and at Aria, and through the miles between us at Marion. I saw how my roommate (and our paramour) was a representation of my old self. Good hearted, but weak, smart, but not charismatic. I saw Aria - the adrenaline and anger, the fuel for the ship. And I saw Marion - and I saw love, rationality, and all the other things I wanted to be, and wanted to be with. But I thought Aria was doing better - she told me she was doing better and on new medication and she already feels great! - and she seems to have at least tried to make things work with Marion for a little while, but she ultimately couldn't. The three of us went to a rave together. Marion invited us. We danced all night. Rarely, the three of us together. I have a real phobia for dancing, but with both their encouragement, and inspiration from Marion's amazing dancing, I danced the night away. Dancing the three of us was brilliantly amazing. I had never had such a fun time dancing before - I always hated it, and it always made me feel anxious. But with both of them, I felt free, I felt sexy, and I felt like I could dance. Dancing just Aria and I was good, but dancing with just Marion was awesome. As is the case with everything we do together. After the rave, on our way home, Marion got upset with us. She had attended a party with one of our paramours earlier in the week, a person Marion didn't like (with good reason), and she touched Marion and made a comment that triggered her. On that night she cried for a long time and slept for hours, during the party, and wouldn't tell me what had happened. She emailed me, but I didn't really get it. So Marion kinda exploded at us. I understood that she was angry because she felt like she wasn't being heard by the two people who ought to care about her more than anyone else. And sure enough, I finally understood the depth of Marion's hurt, and she calmed down. It wasn't until later that I essentially watched Aria drum up her anger about what had happened. She was looking for an excuse to be angry at Marion, and she found one. Again, Marion wasn't welcome in my apartment. That was fine. One of the things about me coming back was I would spend a few nights in a row with Marion when her work schedule permitted. So I did that. I'd see her at least once a week, sometimes twice, and stay two nights (one day). I was reasonably happy. Marion was happy. Aria was happy to have time alone to work on her projects while I was out. But then she sent Marion an angry message. And refused to apologize because: she felt justified in her anger. Her refusal to acknowledge this, coupled with her drumming up a reason to be mad at Marion for another few weeks at least, all the past problems, her lack of improvement (and she appeared to be getting worse), a 1 year waiting list for BPD therapy (at least), her insistence that she will not change, that the woman I fell in love with is gone, her lack of guilt for how her behaviour was affecting me, her increasing selfishness and impeccable ability to find the only person in the room who gives me the creeps and says "Oh they seem like fun", her inability to apologize for what she says, her automatic justification for whatever she is feeling ('Well I'm feeling it so it must be valid and therefore my actions are justified."), and as soon as I made the breakup real to her, by saying she had to be out within 10 days (instead of the two and a half months I initially said - but my parents refused to help me pay for rent if she was living there), she turned on me. She said a bunch of sorta-mean stuff, then we agreed to stop talking. After a few (really nice) days of no talking, I discover a few of my personal items are missing. Along with several other weird things, like my towels, which she had buried in one of her bins. So I message her and ask her for my things back as calmly as I can. I think I did a really good job. And then she sends me back that vitriol. And then I spent today reading about everything. And well, that sure accelerated the healing process." And now, here we are. This is my response to an email I received wherein a friend of mine who's council I trust suggested that I was exhibiting the same symptoms as Aria was.
This is partially true because I was exposed to that behaviour so much. Having to deal with someone who couldn't control their emotions definitely eroded my control of mine, as some people who I've targeted with my own laserbeam can certainly attest. The difference here is that I feel guilty and ashamed of my actions, whereas Aria feels justified. They're called "Fleas: Borderline-like habits picked up from a relationship with a person with Borderline Personality Disorder." So I definitely have my own issues to work out. But again, the difference is that I feel guilty and am genuinely trying to make things work, whereas Aria's only real goal is to keep herself in my life as much as possible. And that's not me analyzing her behaviour as much as it is me reading about BPD and them predicting with startling accuracy exactly how she might do that. I urge anyone who thinks I am the one flying off the handle to make sure that they have read Aria's email to me, and that they have read this page, which again outlines the situation here impeccably. Please also feel free to read this reddit post in which a user with a surprising amount of patience read Aria's email and analyzed it. -- Aria was formally diagnosed with both Borderline Personality Disorder and Bipolar Disorder a year ago, after she reacted poorly to doctor prescribed Mirtazapine, an antidepressant. She talks about it on her own Facebook and is very public (except for right now) about the fact that she has BPD and BP. I agreed to work with her as best as I could in the hopes that the woman I loved would return. She was never the same after that event, and despite my hope and attempts to keep things together, Aria grew worse over time, not better. However, I had no idea she would be so vindictive and hateful. I was very surprised and confused by this email she sent me, in response to a short email I sent her asking where some things were and asking for a collar and wristbands she gave me shortly after we started dating. http://thebigideacollider.weebly.com/blog/breaking-bpd-an-email-from-the-other-side I didn't say anything mean or nasty to her in the email I sent her. It came from nowhere. And again, nevermind the collar, she has stolen actual property from me that was entirely mine and is most certainly not hers. I was very frustrated and confused and hurt by this fact - and that she would make unilateral decisions regarding things that are 'ours' - so I looked online for help and read a guide for people breaking up with someone with BPD. I would very much encourage you to read it, for additional context on my situation: https://www.reddit.com/r/BPDlovedones/comments/3xot4w/expecting_the_unexpected_a_bpd_breakup_guide/ I have told Aria many times that all of this goes away if she talks to me about the items she stole from me and the items that we share ownership of. I am only so hurt because of what she said to me, and her refusal to cooperate in even the slightest manner. I have been very emotional because I have extremely wounded by her actions - but I have good council, and am taking action to simply remove Aria and her ability to influence my life, from my life. I will be moving her things into storage and giving her the key, and I expect to never see any of those items ever again. Unless, as she threatened, it is on the neck of one of her paramours, after telling me that she didn't even really want the collar. So while I understand the need to see both sides here, the reality is that one side is basically being forced to be crazy, evil and hurtful by a neurological disorder and they can't do anything about it. Because I trusted Aria at first, she had an opportunity to steal my things, which gives her a way to stay in my life and to emotionally hurt me. This is all straight from the BPD breakup guide. I should have been careful to make sure she didn't have access to those things, but, what are you gonna do. It's not her fault, but right now, Aria is evil, manipulative, and cannot be trusted in any capacity. Once the pain of our breakup has eased, she might return to normal. I look forward to that time with intense curiosity. Sincerely, Jessica Hey Dad! Are you back yet? I hope you're doing well :)
So this marks day 11 of Aria being out of my life. I gotta say - it's pretty great. I miss her sometimes, sometimes terribly, but the complication and stress she was adding to my life, while giving me little in return, I definitely don't miss. It's been very hard the last few days. I asked for some of my personal items with sentimental value back and she refused to return them, and included a extremely mean letter. She hit pretty much all the buttons - it was awful. No one has ever said anything like what she said to me in that letter. In a way it was good that it was so mean - I've been hoping for a good, solid reason to hate Aria - and it was so obviously driven by her emotions that her repeated claims in the email that she was 'over me' and way happier without me are clearly false. Besides, I've got the best girlfriend ever now, and she has my shitty ex Aubrey who is pretty much the worst. They're living together - good riddance. She was even kind enough to gloat about sleeping with some guy she just met - oh, the benefits of having a vagina - but she can have all the empty sex she wants. Marion is an unbelievably awesome sexual partner and person, and our intimate time together is worth a million intimate moments with Aria, or anyone else. Sometimes it can be hard to remember through all the pain and sadness that Aria has and is causing, but even Marion and I's conflicts are almost pleasant by comparison. This morning - a difficult and sensitive morning for me, to be sure - I was asking Marion a bunch of questions while she was concentrating on something else, she got annoyed, and just her tone was enough to set me off. Annoying Aria was one of the more dangerous things one could do - she would be sharp and biting in those moments, leaving me shell shocked. But Marion just went back to what she was doing, and a few moments later looked back at me to see me holding back crying hysterically. She apologized, we hugged, talked about how triggering Aria was and how much fear I was always living in without even really knowing it, and she acknowledged that she needs to be more careful and gentle. And I barely even had to say anything. I just feel so worthless - like Aria never really cared for or valued me for who I was. I was always one fight away from being dumped. There's a (really quite attractive in that female lumberjack sort of way - she wore a red plaid jacket to a date we went on, so cute!) cisgirl (not trans) friend of mine (met through Aria) that I went on a couple dates with, and I remember just being really confused as to why she would be interested in me. I just felt so worthless - like I didn't really matter. It's hard to remember that Marion actually likes me, quite a lot, and is happy just to have me around - in a deep way. In the way that we could be stranded on a desert island together and that would be all we really need. I wish I had met someone like Marion when I was younger. Sirena really fucked me up too - in the same way that Aria has. Who could love someone as lazy, selfish, and weak as I? And I'm kinda only realizing it now, how deeply what they've said and done has affected me. It's scary. I couldn't even begin to stop myself from crying when Marion was annoyed at me this morning. My mind raced through what was our happy future and was rewritten immediately with either doom or annoyance. Before the email, the breakup was going well enough. She was out of my apartment, we agreed to give each other space (which I guess she conveniently forgot about when volunteering to work on a project with my roommate), I was healing and spending quality time with Marion, and Aria and I even had a nice enough conversation in the few days before I asked her for my things back. So I've decided that a totally clean break is the answer. It's not that I don't care about the project, it's that I can't in order to protect myself. The unconscionable selfishness of Aria volunteering to work on a project with my roommate for a plausible reason to be in my apartment still infuriates me, especially since in order to protect myself from her I have to hurt my roommate, who definitely has enough problems already. Regardless, Aria is no longer allowed in my apartment under any circumstances. I will also be moving all of her things that remain into a storage locker, which I'll pay the first month's rent for, and then I can forget all about her and her things, and hopefully never, ever, ever, see her or hear from her ever again. Hopefully, she is a colossal failure and remains alone for the rest of her life - given her current personality, the latter seems quite likely - while I become a famous writer and Marion becomes a famous artist and musician, Weird Al style. We'd be the lesbian trans version of Weird Al :) But I do look forward to the time when I do not feel that way. A friend of mine has said he went through the same thing with another girl about 5 years ago. He said that he doesn't hate her anymore, but if she got hit by a bus he wouldn't care either way. So that sounds nice. Of course, I'm terribly saddened by how things turned out. I stayed with Aria because I very much loved the woman she once was - but that woman died about a year ago this month. Every now and then I can see her breach the surface, which makes the particular brand of nastiness in her email so hurtful. But after all the reading I did yesterday about, specifically, breaking up with people with Borderline Personality Disorder, I went from being really hurt and confused and angry to mostly just really sad. Still pretty angry. It's all right there - total strangers have quoted conversations and predicted events with the kind of accuracy that would make any prophet nervous. It'll be interesting to see how the future pans out. Marion and I are thinking of moving to the island, maybe. I don't know what I'm supposed to do with my life really, but I do know Marion needs to be in it. I've felt that way about many people, but this is very different. As soon as I met Marion I felt that way. We hadn't even really talked, but everything about her set my mind on fire. Being with her has been nothing short of magical. It makes me very worried about losing her - she means an impossible amount to me. Our interactions are unlike any I've had with anyone before. Aria and I got along well at first and had a special friendship, but it's a joke compared to Marion and I. My life has been hard, but at least it has made me into the kind of woman Marion can love. And I'm starting to really feel like I know what it means and how to really love someone - and like I can really do that. Marion said that dating people who aren't shitty tends to be like that. (Marion suggested I change this to "less shitty". lol :) "Hello Jessica.
I never gave you the cuffs or the collar. If you can't even remember who paid for it, how can you remember who owns it? Yes, you were with me when I purchased the collar, and you did *help me* pick it out. But I purchased that set on July 28th, and bought it using money I had saved for my tuition for the following semester. We've been together for 3 weeks and I didn't even love you at the time - so for me to spend $156 as a gift to you is completely out of character for me and *I remember* that it was intended to add to my own collection of bondage wear. Therefore, I own it. Whatever I considered gifts, I left behind. Whatever I considered mine, I took. If you can find me a bank record of the purchase transaction (I found my transaction record, where's yours?), you are welcome to dispute ownership with me, and I may perhaps let you have the collar. But the cuffs are definitely not yours. I noticed you neglected to mention the Tail that I actually *did* gift to you, and I *did* leave behind. Funny, that. Aubrey taking a photo of herself with the collar - I'm not happy about it. But the collar is mine, she likes it, so I let her wear it for her date. Prior to you sending this email, I was actually considering just giving you the collar because it reminded me of you too much. But since you're now being a real cunt about it all, and being super melodramatic on facebook and whatnot (let alone the existing character smearing you've posted about), and think you have a right over stuff that *is actually mine*, I think I'll just keep it - it will be fun to use it on some partners in the future wink emoticon . I consulted with Rain about collaring, and even in the context of collaring, you repeatedly broke the bonds of collaring because you took it off whenever you wanted (which is not how that works) - so I have every right to take it in that regard. Also, Aubrey was okay with wearing the collar because, as I said, it's mine, and I never saw it as something that was "given" to you, so she was fine with wearing it. I actually consulted with her beforehand if me taking the collar was okay because I was worried that I may have done something wrong in the context of kink - but she agrees with me that it was okay. Also, regardless of sentimental value, "taking back a necklace or bracelet" is completely within my right since, not only did I purchase it, but you cheated on me (abused the framework of polyamory for your own gain, without including me on your motivations). Much like taking back an engagement ring, this would be a similar situation - by the way, I did leave that behind. Interesting how you've opted to neglect that as well. If you bothered to look in the closets, you would've found both of your missing bulbs, and your 2nd light fixture. Out of your entire email to me, most of it didn't bother me at all... until you referred to Misty as "the cat" - as if she's a burden on you and you're responsible for her. I found that part to be extremely offensive. I don't trust you in the least. My trust for you was lost as soon as I realized how terrible you've treated me and what kind of person you've become. I've left Misty in the care of Rain, and I also have Rain looking after my stuff. I figured that since Rain is paying for half of the rent, but has the smaller room and is also overall taking up less space, I asked her to look after the stuff I've left behind - and she has been. I will take Misty when I feel it is appropriate, and in the meantime Rain is happy to have her around and take care of her. In regards to the book that Riley left behind - BOTH of our names are in it. He left it for BOTH of us. So I have as much right to it as you do (even though you claimed on facebook that I don't) - and, because I know you never looked at it (at least you never did when I was still living there - and you would know that I actually *do* have a right to it if you actually looked in it), and I know you don't care about printed books - when I came to hang out with Rain on Sunday, I found the book just thrown aside on a shelf. Knowing you probably wouldn't appreciate it like I would, I took it. However if you suddenly feel that strongly about it, you're welcome to it (I have enough books as it is). Though, I feel like you're just using it as an excuse to further vilify me. Which is fine - I don't really give a shit about you anymore. I of course try my best to remain civil with you, and respect the possessions of yours that I *believe to be yours* but for the things that I believe we have shared and I have a right to, I chose to take or leave, as it goes. Also, in regards to "your attempts to reach me": You very well know that I don't respond to emails very quickly at all, regardless if they're time-sensitive or not (and you gave no indication of such). You did txt me, but seeing as how you've opted to take your time replying to MY texts in the past, I figure it's okay if I took the time to respond to yours as well. As well, I have shit to do; I have higher priorities to tend to than you. It might feel like a lot of time has passed since you sent me your email since all you do is smoke weed, watch TV, and do pretty much nothing else (I can only guess), but really, it's only been about 2-3 days, and in that time I've been extremely busy actually living my life. "These are not things you do, or say, to the people you love." Yeah. So is cheating and being dishonest. Sounds like you're getting a taste of your own medicine. About goddamn time. I mean, how can you call yourself "naturally polyamorous" when you're incapable of feeling compersion for me? I find that highly suspect, and that's NOT how polyamory works. I, on the other hand, am at least glad to hear that you're happy with Marion, despite everything. I still believe Marion is extremely toxic and I can tell you're getting worse because of her, but even so, can you say that you're able to feel compersion for me? I got fucked by a super-cute cis guy friend of mine a few nights ago that I have a date with. How does that make you feel? Do you feel Compersion or Jealousy? I'm pretty sure you're going to write some smearing blog post about this or do some stupid shit like that on facebook. Whatever. You are definitely not the kind of toxic, self-involved person I want to spend my time with, and whatever vision of some twisted future you envision us having together - I want no part of it. You might be happy with getting rent money from you dad, getting food from your mom, smoking weed all the time, and just EXISTING, but I have greater dreams and aspirations than that, and even just in the few weeks since breaking up with you I've been a much happier person, I feel like my life has gotten so much better and healthier, and I've also accomplished quite a lot as well. I look forward to changing and growing as a person. You rather stay the same and rather me be who I used to be - and that's not how life works. That's not how committed, long-term relationships work, and it's unreasonable and unhealthy for you to expect that. I don't trust you to leave my USB with my things, and *actually* leave my things alone. So please give it to Rain and she'll pass it along to me. Thanks. Aria. p.s. You can have the ribbon and the bell, though. It's just garbage to me tongue emoticon . I'll give it to Rain to pass to you." |
AuthorChristina Hitchens is a trans female writer living in BC, Canada. She loves computers, animals, and a good argument. Archives
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