CAPTAIN'S BLOG
Baby Don't Hurt MeI heard from Marion recently. I had commented somewhere on Reddit about our breakup, and how much it hurt me. I got a little emotional with my explanation, and they took offense to my description of how things went down. I deleted my original post about what had happened during our breakup because I didn't want to hurt them. But I still think the truth is important. During our breakup, Marion did not treat me the way I expect someone who has loved me to treat me. They called me names, assumed I was doing things just to hurt them, and threatened my livelihood. They finally apologized, even though in small form, after we had our little online chat about things. "I'm sorry." is all they said. Two little things - yet this was the first time they've apologized to me at all since the breakup about 9 months ago. It was nice to hear, and I can see it was hard for them to say. No Seriously, Don't Hurt MeI know this is easier said than done - any human relationship will go through its gives and takes. Mental health and stability is not static, and people will say and do things that hurt the people you care about. Free will is an illusion and all that. What matters is that we move on, and that people apologize, and that people work on themselves and on how they treat others. I wanted to stay with Marion, but Marion had made it impossible for me to do so. At some point, something gave and they stopped trusting and believing me. They hated Oakley. That's all they would say. Over and over again. They didn't trust my appraisal of Oakley's personality. They were unwilling to try to get to know the Oakley I know and love. It is no secret that Oakley can be a challenge to be around. With Oakley's recent autism diagnosis, there is ever more context for the difficulties and frustrations that she faces in her every day life. I need to work on myself here - Oakley does not see the world in the same way I do. Whether I consider myself part of the spectrum or not is irrelevant - whether I've made progress in my own life dealing with my own Autism is also irrelevant, even though it doesn't feel that way to me in the moment. What I need to remember is that Oakley is doing her best. She has been affected by the things that have happened to her through no fault of her own, just like my inability to connect with my own emotions in those moments is no fault of my own. I'd give anything to be able to reliably connect with how I'm feeling, just like I know Oakley would do the same for her own mental health issues. Don't Stop BelievingRelationships are hard work.
Mental health is even harder work. I don't know what to do when trust breaks down as much as it did for Marion and I. But I'm sure Marion struggled just as much as I did and Oakley does with their mental health. Knowing their mind as I did, I know that there was no part of them leftover that could resist their feelings towards Oakley, nor could they continue to resist the way their feelings bled over into my relationship with them. Overtaken, they could do nothing but succumb to their feelings. And that was when it all went to hell. I could trust Marion because eventually, we could talk about what had happened. Once we could no longer talk about what had happened, I could no longer trust Marion. And that was when I couldn't believe in Marion and I any more, and that was when things fell apart. I hate that I felt like I gave up on Marion. I've moved past the worst of the pain, but I still feel like I failed them. I miss what we had - but I don't miss having my partner treated like she was a second class citizen. Although I still struggle to connect at times, I feel like I'm being outdone by Oakley's determination. I don't give her enough credit where it is due - thanks to my own fears and experiences. She's made great strides even in the last couple of weeks - handling the struggles of establishing a new relationship with their new partner who specializes in anxiety and her own anxieties surrounding me finding an additional partner myself. She deserves recognition for never quitting. For never giving up on us. I'm all too familiar with the fear of being replaced, of being inadequate, yet when those feelings are under control they still feel so far away. My therapist pulled on my fearstrings while Oakley was with us, showing both me and her how intensely I still fear the exact same things Oakley does now. I am still deeply affected of my history of crippling loneliness, of isolation, of depression, of abandonment. I learned to avoid thinking about my fears, but they are still there, and they are still powerful. I haven't really dealt with my fears, but the dedication of Oakley is helping me. Ultimately, love is work. It's easy at the start when the chemicals are strong, but as they fade the real work begins. I take my dedication to another seriously, and I'm so glad that I finally found someone who is willing to put in as much effort as I am. I love my fiancee, and I can't wait to continue building our relationship together. With our relationship, I hope to lay a foundation that we can both build on. I want to build a big queer family, with girlfriends and partners and maybe even a boyfriend or two. It takes time to work towards our goals. It's hard work building a viable society of any size when you started with technology made from rocks and sticks and fur, with the added stress of mental health issues. But I will do it.
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We Hope To Live Long Enough To See Our Heros DieSo I got into an argument with my favourite teacher from my second stint in college a few weeks ago. Among other things, his main point seems to be that trans people are being excessively authoritative by demanding that our rights be respected. They also think TERF is a slur. Hilarious! It's all pretty self explanatory, and his logical inconsistencies are demonstrated quite well I think. Let me know what you think. To view these pictures in an Imgur album, click here. |
AuthorChristina Hitchens is a trans female writer living in BC, Canada. She loves computers, animals, and a good argument. Archives
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