CAPTAIN'S BLOG
I have met someone new.
I have made the decision to do everything I can to control the intensity of my feelings for her. So far, I think I'm doing a pretty good job. If there is to be anything learned from my past relationships, it must be that. My obsessive tendencies allows people to take too much advantage of me. It encourages me to hide too much of myself, and rewards me for just doing whatever feels good at the time, regardless of the long term consequences. It lead me to hurt people who were important to me, although I never did fully lose sight of such things, I did come closer than I wanted. So I've been taking it slow. Not just in person, but in my mind as well. However, I have only just begun to show my more vulnerable side to her. As I had already mentioned to her, it is surprisingly difficult. I'm seeing her tonight. I'm anxious, as always, that is why you find me here. I will need to talk to her about... me. About who I am, really. I should avoid using the word 'failure'. I'm not sure if I can. An honest appraisal of my life does suggest it is not a fair word to describe myself. Most people I know consider me smart and funny, if nothing else, and those are two things I find to not be a descriptor of a failure of a person. Anyone I meet who is smart and funny is a major winner in my book. It is so very difficult to shake those tethers of capitalism, the values it tries to instill in us in order to keep it alive. But I don't live for capitalism - I live for me, for my lovers, for my family, for my community. Capitalism lives there, but it steals from us - and I want no part of it. So I'm a "creative" now I guess. Are the creatives I've known failures just because it has not produced much money for them? I'm even published, ish. And I'm determined - I've got a 5000 word outline for my story. So a failure I seem to be not.
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AuthorChristina Hitchens is a trans female writer living in BC, Canada. She loves computers, animals, and a good argument. Archives
March 2022
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