CAPTAIN'S BLOG
It's been about three months now. Honestly I hesitate to write about any of this. But I need to process and I'm tired of writing this damn post in my head all the time. I'm tired of crying before I go to sleep every few days, for a few days. And on the off chance someday you read this, maybe you'll understand my position a little better. I've been doing a lot of travelling to the US and Washington, camping with Freya and Jade. It's been nice, despite the nagging sadness that I'm dragging around. I'm trying to ditch it as fast I can. I just want to enjoy the sun and the water. I don't want to think of you every time I touch my girlfriends or look into their eyes or they tell me that they love me. I just don't know what to make of you anymore. The kind of woman I thought you were, the kind of woman you presented yourself as, the kind of woman you said you were. Holding my hand and looking deep into my eyes telling me how much you loved being gay with me, like you'd never felt that way about any other woman before. It made me believe I really mattered to you, in a unique way. In an irreplaceable way. I miss you so terribly, but I can't reconcile what I knew about you then with what I know about you now. It clashes in my brain, twisting it into knots. So I've spent a lot of time thinking about what you said about my actions with regard to my cousin. First, I'll say that as part of my childhood in Florida, I had an encounter with an older friend that affected how I form and maintain relationships. I'm still figuring out what all that means for and to me. As part of that experience, my ability to understand boundaries in relationships was compromised. It had a negative impact on my relationships going forward, especially in the immediate aftermath, but the tendrils of that behaviour are extensive. The story of my cousin is something that I've talked to a therapist and others who are close to me about, so I was not surprised that you would be alarmed. Attempting to engage in a consensual sexual relationship with a family member, while not unknown, is certainly taboo. My excitement about her was based on my enjoyment of that taboo, not her age, as you appear to think. Her age was never relevant to my feelings - hence me forgetting it. All of this happened just before I came out. This event was entangled in my own transition, as she rejected me when I came out because she's not attracted to women. She was the second person in the world I told when I came out. We had a strong connection, as I've had with many women in my life. My own dysfunction in my own life at this time was at its absolute peak, she was a lifeline for me at a time in my life when I was drowning in loneliness and isolation, as so many trans women do. She showed me compassion, and understanding - someone who, as a family member, I could trust. Thanks at least in part to my other experiences, I was driven to express my appreciation and feelings through sex. Before I moved back to Canada, the only family members I had were 4,000 miles away. While in Florida, the nearest person my age lived a 30 minute walk away in 30C heat. In retrospect, it seems inevitable that I would fall in love with a cousin during that vulnerable time. In talking with others, this is especially true for me since I've never really had asshole siblings or cousins or anything like that. Many of the people I've talked to about this have all mentioned that their sibling was an asshole, limiting their attraction. The extended family I have of cousins are all very cool and interesting people that I get along very well with. After I transitioned and she told me she was not interested, we stopped talking about such things and have a reasonably normal relationship. Nothing ever happened between us. I've done a lot of growing since then. I don't know if what I did was wrong. She has never said so. If my cousin ever felt the need to talk about it with me, I would be happy to do so, just to help make some sense of what happened. Was she as vulnerable as I was at that time? Sure, I was older, but I was no adult, stunted by being in the wrong body with no way out for all that time. And then, there's you. What really hurts me, then and now, is how you said if there was ever a problem, you'd let me know. I thought there might be something on your mind, but you didn't bring anything up so I thought everything was fine. You gave me about 15 seconds to explain myself while I was reeling from you saying we were breaking up. I'd been anxious for days before that - doing my best to keep my fears from getting the best of me, that nagging feeling that I'd use the look in your eyes and the squeezing of my hand to reassure away. Crying at night, with Freya telling me that everything was going to be ok. If there was a problem, you'd tell me. Me believing her, just look at the respect and care and understanding you'd shown her? Surely I was worth similar efforts. That's the feeling that sticks with me to this day. It's the one that I can use to cry on command - it's always just a few flashing memories away. The shooting star in your window, the fireworks on the beach, the hand squeeze on Dundas, the look in your eyes every time you looked into mine, the look on your face when you say "I love being gay with you." All of that seemed to imply that you wouldn't just give up on me, on us. I suppose I should have asked but I didn't want to seem desperate - given how frequently you mentioned you found it unattractive, I definitely didn't want to wander into that territory. But who knows how you interpreted my actions? Is getting my girlfriend flowers when she's having a hard time desperate? Well if it is, then you really are an asshole. Sigh. I still don't know where to go from here. I just wish we could have had another chance - instead of blowing it all up a week before my birthday, in my car on a grey day. There are some exes that I still miss terribly. I'm sure I always will miss them. There are some I do not. You, I fear, are one of the former, which means I will be carrying this sadness for a long time indeed. I guess I'd better get used to the idea. AddendumWhat was the deal with saying you'd never want to watch my favourite movies with me?
Over time, I came to recognize that you were extremely judgemental. This inured me with a general sense of fear - but I knew not the true depth of your judgement. I just wanted to be happy. With you, with my life, with how I spent my time. My days of harsh judgement are behind me. Hurt though I am by your actions, I will always be able to forgive you. If only you could forgive me. Maybe when you are older, you will understand. Perhaps I will hear from you in 8 years. 8 years is a long time, and I dunno who you have in your life now, but I doubt it's as good as what we shared. Relevantly, last night I had another dream about my stepsister. I have a dream about her about once a month. In my dreams, we are in love. Sometimes they take place in Florida, sometimes we're both in college, sometimes we live in a small mountain together. They are Weird Dreams, and I always wake up from them feeling very confused, and with a deep, pervasive sense of loss. It's strange because I don't really like her that much. She's attractive in many ways to me, but unattractive in many others. I don't know what to make of such dreams - probably nothing. But I can remember feeling confusedly happy in them - unsure why I am getting physical affection from my stepsister, but deeply appreciating the acceptance, love, and unique relationship arrangement such a situation offers. It would be, undeniably, fun. In my dreams I know that even if we break up - or, uh, whatever - that we will still be in each others' lives, which gives me great comfort. That is why I have a tendency to fall in love with extended family members. Sometimes she has other partners, sometimes she doesn't. Sometimes it's early in our relationship, sometimes it's later. I swear we retired in Florida together once. Dreams are weird. I know and recognize that such things are strange. But I enjoy the dreams. When I first met her after I moved to Canada I had a crush on her. She's tough, smart, attractive, and although we see many things differently, I appreciate her a great deal. During that confusing and embarrassing time before transition, I flirted with her, and she rebuffed me. I guess I'm just trying to illustrate that I have a history of weird behaviour such as this. This makes me a Weird Person, which I've always known, but I am no predator. Sadly, you never gave me the benefit of the doubt.
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AuthorChristina Hitchens is a trans female writer living in BC, Canada. She loves computers, animals, and a good argument. Archives
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