CAPTAIN'S BLOG
"I think there are times when it is appropriate to convey anger to someone. I think it's appropriate to be motivated by a feeling of outrage when something that has been done is truly outrageous, is truly a sign of a kind of callousness that is causing harm in this world."
-From Sam Harris on the James Atlucher Show One of the most uncomfortable things about the way I feel, and one of the reasons that it has taken me so long to get a handle on things - with progress continuing to be uneven - is how much anger and even hate I feel. I'm not an angry or hateful person - I could get carried away by my passions all too easily, but my intention was never to hurt anyone. Of course my Facebook arguments are as legendary as they are infamous, but they were driven not by anger, but really by a simple passion for the truth and for understanding. Frustration enters the fray once understanding cannot be found, as others are all too vulnerable to the feeling of fear and dread that is associated with being wrong, especially in a public forum. I think this is a public and social weakness - being wrong is in fact a great thing. When you predict(ed) some result, and get another, that means one of your assumptions is incorrect and needs to be analysed and updated or replaced. This is the maxim by which I've lived my life - being wrong or experiencing something unexpected is an opportunity to learn. So indeed, I often reflect on the things I ought to learn from the utter failure of Aria's and I's relationship - which is an unexpected result. It is certainly the best result - but that is based mostly on the person Aria has revealed herself to be, rather than my own desires. But Aria shows that person only to a select few, and good news: I am one of the lucky ones. Only the 'blacklisted' people get to see the real her - the her that shows up when the chips are down and the pressure is on and it's make-or-break time. She ruthlessly protects herself and is only looking out for herself. I don't work like that - I can without a doubt be selfish, but I'm not cruel. I may take an extra toke or drink a bit more vodka than is equal, but I never take everything. It's just a gross thing to do. I've never felt less like my true self than over the last couple of months. Yesterday, at last, I got a taste of something closer to the real me - the joy of helping Marion move with the help of the Pulsar was incredibly infectious and healthy. I should spend more time with people - the many small interactions I had throughout the day, making people laugh and smile, maybe some flirting here and there, and looking into Marion's beautiful eyes while we're stuffed in the elevator with all of our things - it reminded me of the person I used to be. Passionate, not angry. Loving, not suspicious. Trusting, not paranoid. 'Jessiethelover' is a username I chose rather seriously. The net and my mother tell me to keep the damage Aria has done to me to myself. Fake it till you make it. I just can't do that - I'm not ashamed of admitting that the things Aria has done has driven me to do things and feel things and imagine things and hope for things I never could have imagined before. I did those things - I'm responsible for my actions, and I regret them. I know I did my best in the moment and did my best to give myself time to normalize my emotions, and did my best to use the rationale and advice of others' to replace my own emotionally charged ones. I'm happy to apologize for the things I've done. I'm not ashamed of that because I know that those feelings aren't me and that I don't want to feel them. I do my best to think about positive things to break out of the loops of negative thinking. As neuroplasticity suggests, this is a time-consuming process, and the brain can work against itself here - Acute Stress Reaction disorder and C-PTSD essentially force the brain to relive those moments, thus reinforcing the stress reaction. It's a time consuming and difficult process to interrupt, hence the high suicide rates in people who experience PTSD; transpeople it seems, included. Mindfulness has been as critical a tool as it always has been, but against the tidal wave of emotions - increased by exposure to Aria's emotional extremes (BPD Fleas, a phenomenon confirmed by my therapist) - it has been a palm tree straining in the hurricane fruitlessly in the intensity of my emotions. But progress, however slow, especially to the outside world, is being made. I look forward to becoming the person I am supposed to be - and not the person Aria was trying to make me into. --- Some cool quotes from Sam Harris while I listen to his talk: "I think Godwin's law is socially harmful - there are some comparisons which can be made towards the Nazi's. There are some Nazi-like things in this world today. It's a shorthand way of thinking that I think is dangerous in this world." - Sam Harris An interesting statement. "If you were going to make one change in your life that would make your life and everyone's life around you better, it would be being radically honest across the board." Oh Sam. Marry me?
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Today was a wonderful day.
It started out like any other day: coffees and a joint in bed while watching the episode of Kitchen Nightmares we fell asleep watching the night before. Marion insisted as first that we put the TV in the living room, but once it actually came down to it, we ended up putting it in our room anyways. We gathered some things, and got ready to leave. While Marion was having a smoke, RE let me know that she would be moving out in a month. That sucks. It's hard not to wonder if it's because of me. I'm sure it must be hard to be around me these days. When I'm out and about and socialising, it's much easier to forget about things and just talk, but sometimes I'm in the middle of, well maybe I should start calling them episodes (all the cool cats have episodes), a sad or suspicious time. Every time I can't find something it's automatic to figure that Aria has taken it. And while it is most certainly not the case every time, it is sometimes the case. It sucks when I find something I've accused Aria of stealing - it definitely makes me look bad, too. Like a paranoid crazy person. And you know what: Sometimes I am a crazy person. I don't know why some people don't seem to understand my situation, other than a strange bias towards Aria that she mostly certainly doesn't deserve, but maybe a Wiki entry will help: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Acute_stress_reaction And indeed, my therapist has indicated that I perfectly fit the bill for ASR and now that my symptoms have persisted for over a month, C-PTSD. Yaaaay psychology. It's been interesting talking to the therapist about all of this. Unfortunately an hour is not enough time to explain that has happened - the last 6 months alone are an unbelievably dense adventure. If only the pre-Aria Jessica could have known what was in her future. And in our talks, that has been one of the key reasons that it has taken me so long to get over what Aria did and said. The extreme unexpectedness of everything has a strong impact on the way people react. I was expecting a poly-breakup: we're not really breaking up, but things need to change dramatically because I am not happy. Ever since that New Years party, maybe it was the LSD or maybe it was just me, but I saw Aria for who she was and doing the 300ug dose just reinforced that observation. Anyways. I need not defend myself anymore, despite my readiness to do so. It's a hard impulse to resist - I still feel unheard by many and gravely misunderstood by most. I don't know why her friends are harassing me even still - I'm having enough trouble as it is. What I've said has happened happened. Psychologically speaking, my reaction here is, somewhat amusingly, astoundingly normal. Being intentionally hurt by someone you loved and trusted suddenly and without warning and without expectation is traumatising for the brain. Now that I've established that fact, let's move on with the real interesting stuff: My day today. So it was pretty upsetting getting the letter from RE today, but Marion helped me deal with the irrational(?) fears and insecurities such an event digs up in me during my time of weakness. We gathered some bags, and headed down to the Pulsar. We drop some bags in the Pulsar, I grab the insurance papers, and we walk to the insurance place. Today was such a gorgeous day - truly the gods shined on us this day. It'd been raining for days and suddenly today happens, right when it's time to move! Meeting someone like Marion, the Pulsar totally killing it all day today, and such perfect weather so perfectly timed can make a girl wonder sometimes. We will see what the future brings though. I've definitely learned to be cynical, if nothing else. But hey - at this point, I'm ready for pretty much anything. Please, no one take that as a challenge though. I've never thought so often about suicide in my life. Nor have I ever felt less like myself and more like someone else - but sometimes, especially today with Marion, I've never felt more like myself in my entire life. I socialised like a motherfucker today - I'm making Marion look like the charismatic equivalent of a bunch of wet rocks. And wet rocks look cool as fuck- so you know I'm rollin' deep in the charisma. We get back to the car and suddenly I realize: I locked the keys in the car. There's no spare. Locksmiths are expensive, and take a long time. The car is, surprisingly, non-trivial to break into. It's like... fully locked. Windows up. T-tops on. Hatch on. Fucking. Hell. Given our lack of funds and time, it comes down to breaking into the car. We head upstairs, grab a few wire hangars, and head back down. Interesting shapes are bent, blind fumbling is had, and then like some goddamn movie, teamwork - me guiding Marion's ever-so-talented hands by looking through the window on the opposite side. After about 15 minutes of fiddling, I'm feeling like I'm getting close, but it looks like Marion's design is better, so I guide her towards the lock, and pulls, and... BAM! DOOR UNLOCKED! What a goddamn glorious moment that was. Fortunately, getting going after that went off without a hitch. Except that we couldn't get the hatch off. First the screws were too tight - again, Marion somehow managed to remove a stripped screw from a thin piece of metal. Then, the nuts were too tight. A blowjob seemed to help, but we still couldn't get the hatch off without a ratchet set. We borrowed Aaron's - I need a 14, his only went to 13. We had flat tires and just a bit of old gas - so we limped down to the gas station, the ass swerving a bit on the very low tires. Oops. :/ Hit the gas station, gas it up for the first time in over a year, rejoice that Aria isn't around to experience any of this, blow a kiss to Marion, and over to the air pump. Fortunately I check the tires before paying, and notice that one of the hubcaps is pinning the stem. Shit. Prying and pulling results in cuts at worst and failure at best. With few other options, the sunglasses come off and I ask for one of the guys in the gas station to help get the hubcap off. A few anemic tries later, he suggests he gets some gloves. He does, and tries anemically a few more times. Marion gives it a valiant effort, but alas, this hubcap can only be removed by one person: Me. So I throw the gloves on my (slightly) bloodied hands and give it to good tugs. It's firm in it's attachment - that sounds familiar - so I give it my all with one lat big tug and with a sound of relaxing metal it vibrates as I fall back onto the pavement. Profuse thanks are had, pressured air is added to four vessels, one of which was completely empty, and hands are washed. We jump in the car an sure enough, the car repair places are closed. So I try to figure out who does car stuff on a sunday.... and eventually I remember Lordco. Thank fuck for Lordco, everybody. They have saved my ass more than once. So we hammer down to the nearest Lordco, I bust inside and ask if I can borrow a size 14 wrench. The nice lady says sure, and I remove the remaining four bolts and two gas stays. The hatch can now be... detached. We drive it home, leave it in our neighbours' parking spot (with his permission) with the T-Tops and make our first trip to Marion's. My pills are kicking in - tune in for more TAELES OF INTRIGUE tomorrow. In Response To: "Aria's the real victim, you're a narcissist, emotionally manipulative, and evil."5/27/2016 In particular, this comment. 'Markus' said a bunch of mean things in his comment. The following is my response, plus some additional thoughts. Hey Gabriel! Strange to hear from you like this. What brought this on, exactly? Did she say something, or did you just randomly decide to read my blog one day? First, I'm concerned about your statements. You don't appear to know what happened. I'm not sure how one could construe Aria to be the victim in this situation. Sure things didn't go the way she wanted - but she forced things to go the way they did, every step of the way. Remember that time I calmly and politely emailed Aria about my collar and cuffs and the cat? Just so we're clear, she most assuredly gave them to me, and they simply /are/ my property. Still not sure why she took the lights, other than what she said: she felt entitled to them. As soon as she received that email, Aria turned and as far as I can tell, she hasn't turned back. Especially given your post. And besides, how can Aria be the victim if she's not upset about what happened? I heard she had already moved on, which makes sense given the 'white/black' dichotomy that people with BPD are commonly associated with. I'm simply a 'bad person' to her, which is true, because I value truth, kindness, and honesty - things which I learned recently are the antithesis of Aria. The very fact that you are here saying these things - exactly the same things Aria has said to me in her emails - tells me that she no interest in the truth whatsoever. Thank fuck I found out before we actually got married or had kids. The stories of people with BPD and marriages with children are fucking terrifying. Read one - I dare you. I do have some personality issues to work through, no doubt. Not as much as Aria - especially if she continues to deny to herself what she did to me and Riley - but I'm just a good-old-fashioned codependent person. I define myself via my partner, and I literally live for my partner. Aria was my /everything/. It turns out that's a pretty bad strategy if your partner is a shitty person - so establishing a true self-identity is what we're working on with my therapist now. It'd be all too easy to blame that lack of self on Aria - as that is a common trait of people with BPD - but I've lacked a clear self for a long time. Being a young suppressed transperson was hard. Fortunately, Marion is also a very independent person, which gives me lots of space to explore, and she's easy to learn from. Whereas Aria feared any changes in my personality, Marion welcomes them, which to be honest is a weird feeling, but I have been told it's a good thing, so I'm going with it :) I also have to undo the damage that Aria has done. This is proving to be a challenge, but it's something everyone has to go through if they've been close to someone with BPD for a long time - this goes for children, too, in case Ahki is reading. You have to relearn that people don't deal in extremes - most people have fairly average emotions and feelings, and it can be tough to relearn that. Complex PTSD also commonly presents itself after relationships with people with BPD. Being close to someone who can be triggered to extremes at any moment is very unhealthy for the brain, and especially after January, I was constantly on guard against setting her off. Anything relating to Riley would send her off on an angry rant at least for hours, and that lasted, well, right up until she moved out, and could then be angry at me instead. My therapist has reviewed much of my writing and she has stated that the science is very sound. I also put it up to your standard: instead of just spewing whatever Aria has managed to make you think, try thinking rationally and honestly about my claims - both scientific, and moral. I think you will find them well-constructed. Aria's behaviour is /textbook/ BPD. I honestly hope that you are right, and that karma is keeping track of the evil things that people do to other people. Ironically if I could fully believe that, I would find a great deal of peace - I could rely on the fact that Aria will get her comeuppance. But that is not so - manipulative people get away with lots all the time. In fact, one of them is running for president in the US, speaking of narcissists. Instead, she gets away with my things, and somehow manages to convince people like you - who are satisfied with knowing only half the story - to post nasty things on my blog, which you might notice, is mine, so I'll post whatever I want. And right now I'm going through some shit, and writing is how I deal. It helps me process. And I am making progress - I was barely able to be rational for any longer than a few minutes after I received that first email from her for a month and a half - it's been a major challenge to regain my neurological composure, but I'm making serious inroads as I continue to try to understand Aria's behaviours. I don't even really care about what she took any more. I've got a new collar, and we're plenty creative to not need cuffs. It's still stolen property, though. You know what's funny? I don't even know what Aria /actually/ feels happened - all I'm getting is "oh, she's the real victim here" from random people on the internet. I mean, it's true - Germany was the real victim of WWII, right? I mean: if so, she put herself there. I was more than willing to break up amicably. In fact, I don't know any other way to do it - until I had to defend myself from Aria. Each email from her eroded that willingness - and I think is pretty good proof of her, as you say, evil, manipulative bitchiness. Honest, truthful people don't say things like "I was going to give you your collar back but I decided not to because you asked for it and I now I want to withhold it from you". Sorry pal - you picked the wrong side :/ Feel free to Read More if you're curious. I've been deeply hurt by someone with a personality disorder.
I dunno if you've heard. So these days, I find myself hard pressed to not be overly suspicious of those with with personality disorders. Arguably, I've got one too - ADHD most certainly has an impact on my personality, on how I deal with other people, and as I learned recently, with how I process trauma. Depression and anxiety play a role as well. And my family doesn't have a history of fantastic emotional control - concerningly, I'm the only make any progress there. And progress, as you can see, is uneven. No amount of mindfulness can escape the tidal wave of emotions that I feel on, lately, a less-intense but still-regular basis. The loop is rare and the contents predictable - how could you hurt me like this, the last thing I ever wanted was to hate you, I can't believe she stole my things, I don't even know what my collar and cuffs are up to, I can't believe Strider and Tim don't really seem to care or understand what was happened, I wish I could be surprised about Aubrey's reaction and role, and god I just want to be over this so I can talk and think about things that are actually important to me. And so my psoriasis will go away. I still resist the urge to reach out sometimes. I had an opportunity to put a note in the VCR she left here and requested back, but although I desperately wanted to say something, I knew that whatever I said would be used to make me look crazy ("I haven't said anything about her in weeks and she's still going on about it? Geez, get over it already!") or it would just make her angrier, by reminding her of 'us', and possibly retaliate, or she would just pretend like she never saw it because damn, she is good at compartmentalizing. Right, so, self-therapy out of the way, I am inclined to suggest that Aria is a "Dangerous Person". Or perhaps it is more politically correct to say that she is has a 'Dangerous Personality'. Now I know she's made this accusation of me, but mistelling a story that is literally all over the internet is a bad idea in this modern age. It's not a label I apply lightly, nor is it one that I am unwilling to remove, given the right evidence. Of which I have received none, of course. In my opinion this is where I think 'aggressive neutrality' breaks down, as it is a friends' responsibility to help their friends through these times with information that might help the situation evolve more healthily. If one person told me that Aria felt guilty, or ashamed, or really anything regarding what happened, that would shape my thinking on this particular situation greatly. I'm defending myself here because I know that this is a controversial statement - no doubt: I am, after all, a jilted, angry, sour ex. Whoever the label is applied to is irrelevant though. My point is that some people exhibit behaviour which can hurt others. Those people need to know that what they are doing is hurting others. Indeed, like many, many people with behavioural disorders of all kinds, from Borderline Personality Disorder to Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Bipolar and ADHD and all the rest know. Through some combination of genetics and environment, these people are able to see when their disorder is controlling their behaviour in a way that negatively affects others. As a person with a very strong but much less obvious behavioural disorder - Oppositional Defiance Disorder (No one who knows me will be surprised to learn that I eschew authority) - I can attest to the unbelievable power with which one experiences an inability to resist the urges that a body and brain fully intent on running its chemical course. Even something as small as agreeing to set an alarm set a consistent time for when I go to sleep brought me to tears with resisting and the iciest shoulder Marion has yet seen. And I'm in a tiny corner of my head saying "Yeah, that's pretty reasonable, I mean we even usually go to sleep around then anyways, and the doctor will stop bugging me about it, so yeah, that's a good idea. Let's do it.". But the power of these urges is such that one cannot resist them. Speaking of dangerous people, we already have a category for people who are compelled to do physical harm to another - criminals. Read more for my even more long-winded conclusion - and at last, some real advice. This article.
It really all just sounds too familiar to me. The ups and downs... And as always, the deeply-rooted, free-will sapping completeness of it all. Lately, instead of having flashbacks and feeling personally violated by everything, I mostly just wonder if I'll ever be able to forgive her, and the pervading feeling that something could have been done to mitigate things. I thought I could rely on our mutual trust... but the power of these emotions are mind-erasing. While walking down the street or brushing my hair or having a shower I'm thinking of imagined apologies I'll never get, acknowledgements I'll never hear. Items of high sentimental value that were mine never to be seen or heard of again - at best. I get that she responded the way she did because of the strength of her feelings for me. I get that she did what she did to protect herself. But she didn't need to protect herself from me. I can see how some people can think that my decision to move in with Marion in June was selfish - but I loved Aria and trusted her, and am fully capable of loving and trusting Marion fully at the same time. I knew that she couldn't help herself, so I was looking for the space I needed in order to figure out what was wrong with my brain and figure out what, exactly, I seriously wanted to do with my life. Sex, drugs, and music are great and all (soo great), but if I can enjoy life more fully, I think I'd like to try that. And try I did. I've had a couple daydreams of sharing this bed with a third person. Sometimes it's an Aria, sometimes it's someone else - but it feels good. And of sometimes when I'm with Marion in my head I'm like "This would drive Aria absolutely crazy. She'd get super annoyed and it would not be good.... Good thing she's not here!". So polyamoury with someone with Borderline Personality Disorder is pretty tough. As the link I'm ostensibly talking about mentions, between two people it's a roller coaster ride, and with the 6 additional relationship dynamics that suddenly get introduced when you add a third intimate partner.. there's lots of room for an entire amusement park, not just a roller coaster. It can be a challenge for anyone unable to control their emotions. Aria at the start could control her emotions, but everything changed when the Mirtazapine Incident happened, as she gradually lost her ability to control her outbursts or their duration. Only if someone with BPD has a high degree of self-awareness and good, effective coping techniques can handle the additional stresses a polyamorous relationship generates. Angry messages can't be left unapologized for. Maybe try to cut down on the angry messages, but I was willing to offer the caveat to my paramours with a good explanation of the situation at hand and a good old fashioned "Ehhh... I apologize for my spouse's behaviour. Now back to the sex!". It was not an ineffective technique, but obviously one hopes to avoid those kinds of situations when one is polyamourous. And indeed, the reasonable people in the poly community don't tolerate that kind of negativity towards paramours. In retrospect it turns out I put Marion through a great deal more than most 'unicorns' would ever tolerate - many turn away at the slightest hint of a dramatic personality. Unicorn glue, indeed. In the end, it did work out in favour of the unicorn. :) But anyways. Even though I know Aria was afraid of me leaving her fuelled her decision to cut me totally loose, to totally burn not just the bridge, but the land around it, it still hurts. It hurts because she was mean, obviously, but it also hurts because it's not what I wanted for us. I wanted to be there for her for the rest of our lives - whether she slept in my bed every night or not. We needed change, and polyamoury provided a framework to enact that change without the need to lose each other. Had I not cared to not have her in my life, I would have left her a year ago, and she'd have been a minor footnote or curiosity in my life, instead of the at-first-greatly-positive-then-sorta-neutral-then-greatly-negative category that she occupies. I am pleased to find that finally, the negative thoughts are abating. I no longer am preoccupied with either how hurt and sad I was and how badly I wanted justice. I still am those things - and given the delta between what I thought was possible and what happened, I will probably be those things for a very long time. This life seems pretty good though - one thing that can be said about what life after someone with BPD is, is how strange it is to have normal conversations. and for me to suddenly become the overly sensitive one who others walk on eggshells around. Fortunately my problem is a lot less permanent than someone with actual BPD, so I'll be much more like my old self soon enough. Plan G is a government service available to British Columbians who require psychiatric medication but are unable to afford it.
Plan G covers 100% of the cost of nearly all psychiatric medication available on the market. It is a great service, and has done a great deal of good both in my life, in the lives of the people I know who rely on it to help them afford their medication, and hundreds of thousands of other Canadians living in BC. College students, college grads struggling to get their start, people whose income has suddenly changed, people on a fixed income, the good-old-fashioned poor, and others all benefit greatly from Plan G. However, as a transwoman, I am disappointed and frustrated that Plan G does not cover the hormones that I require for my mental and physical health. I can go to the pharmacy and not have to worry about having to pay for my antidepressant, but I often have to worry about whether or not I will have to pay for my hormones. As someone who is low income, the beginning of the year is a challenging time. In January of this year I went to the doctor and learned that I suddenly had to pay full price (~100$ a month) for my hormones. Since I cannot afford them, I had to go without for a day until I could get some money from my mother to pay for them - something not everyone can do. We have understood and accepted as a people that anyone who needs psychiatric medication should be able to get it, even if they haven’t a single dollar to their name. It would be cruel to restrict their access to these chemicals that, when discontinued, bring withdrawal effects that can be very difficult and emotionally painful for people to handle. It can interfere with the progress that has been built up over time, and change someone who was getting better into someone who is getting worse. Hormones for transgendered people like me are no different. They are a key part of my overall mental stability. Going from having no testosterone and plenty of estrogen one day to lots of testosterone and little estrogen the next is a mentally difficult and emotionally challenging time which no transperson need experience - especially since we generally already have enough problems. The situation that arose this year when my deductible was set based on my income from two years ago, which is vastly different from my income now, resulted in me leaving the pharmacy with my antidepressants, but no hormones. Had I been unable to get help from a family member, I would have had to wait at least 21 days (not including snail mail transit) for Pharmacare to process my paperwork indicating my inability to afford my medication, in which case my deductible would be set to 0$ and I’d be able to get my medication after about 1 month. No one should be denied their medically necessary and psychologically important medication simply because they cannot afford it. Hormones are technically no different from anti-depressants and other psychiatric medication that is covered by Plan G. Also, my anti-depressants will be useless when consumed without the additional stability offered by my hormones. Given this disparity, we must urge those responsible in our medical system to cover hormones for transpeople under Plan G. Anyone unlucky enough to not be able to turn to another for their medication costs needs our help, and the help of our government. Our united voices will be required to get the attention of those who can make this change, in the process, helping thousands of transmen and transwomen all throughout British Columbia. (Friendly reminder: These posts help me feel better, and are a way for me to deal with the difficulty of what has happened. Otherwise, I'd really go crazy. Silence is where real pain lurks.)
Anyone who hurts another just so that they themselves can avoid hurt is the greatest coward of all. Aggressive neutrality is the province of the morally weak and intellectual cowards. The audacity that one might assert that they care about someone other than themselves while they stand by and let someone suffer because of the awful actions of another are complicit in those actions. The Bystander Effect is not restricted to someone being beaten on the street - as I've seen first hand, it is alive and well in social structures as well. Lately, I've been getting a lot of the same piece of 'advice':
"It's time to let go". What does that even mean? Let go of what? Of being intentionally hurt by someone I trusted more than anyone else? Yeah sure - I'll just let go of that. I've read stories of how people feel in situations like this, and my situation has a lot more in common with assault and other crimes of violation than it does with a simple breakup. And you know, I've broken up with people and been broken up with before. My first girlfriend Katy broke my heart when she broke up with me. I was 18, happily in love, had just lost my mother to divorce, and her parents had moved up north. We were both emotionally fucked. At the time, I had no idea what was going on. Neither did she - school did not prepare us for this kind of situation. The pressure that great loss puts on people in significant at times. I had a dead-end job at that time, with pretty much no foot traffic and I as the only employee, so I sat and stewed in my anxiety for weeks. I remember after week three being like "Damn - this is really, really long lasting. This sucks. I think we could have figured things out.". And we talked a few times, and she eventually told me that we were not getting back together. The sadness and anxiety persisted, but now, there was a resolution. She eventually was able to explain that "She doesn't feel anything for anyone anymore" - depression writ large, although neither of us thought to label it as such at the time (probably for the better because I may have been tempted to stay with her till she got better - although maybe that would have spared me the temptation to do the same with Aria). But we both said goodbye, and we were both sad. I didn't hold any ill will - but I was damn sad. But soon enough, I did move on, after all there's nothing like meeting someone else. Given the unpleasant nature of my relationship with Sirena, it should come as no surprise to most that I was very relieved when I broke up with Sirena. She was unkind, a cheater, and a liar - sounds familiar - so leaving her was like breaking free from someone's tiny net. But she was always like that - Sirena was selfish and untrustworthy from the start. She was angry, greedy, selfish, and used my feelings for her against me quite often. I knew that I couldn't spend the rest of my life with someone so angry - but, I thought, maybe she'll mature, and calm down a little bit once we mature some. And whether she did or not, her behaviour didn't change, and she kept pushing me into harder and harder situations, until I finally broke. Great sex will only get you so far, you know. Hmm.. that sounds familiar - except for that last part, unfortunately. Then I met CJ. When we broke up, I was, surprise: very sad again. I saw that one coming though, so I was a little prepared. I was also a real mess around that time. My gender issues were really catching up to me, and it showed everywhere, but I still didn't understand the difference between wanting to be with someone, and wanting to be someone. I also didn't really understand why she was with me in the first place - but I learned a lot from her in that short time we were together. CJ inspired me in part to be the woman I am today. Smart, sexy, cool, funny - letting go of her was also very hard for me. In a way, I guess I never did. I admit, it is one of the main reasons I left Florida. I was definitely looking for excuses to move to Canada, and getting away from CJ so I wouldn't make an ass of myself was a pretty good one. I couldn't stand to see the places we'd been together and to remember how weird it was to be with someone who actually cared about me and liked me, even if it was only a little bit. She wasn't mean to me, or to anyone else, for that matter. Mostly, she just wanted herself and everyone else to have a good time, it seemed. I have a great deal of fond memories for CJ. At least on my end, we shared something great, something special, that taught me a lot about myself and about what I valued in life and in my partners. And the kind of partner I wanted to be. Maybe I left Florida so that I wouldn't have to let go. I don't know - I don't want to forget about the good times we had or tarnish them with falsely-negative memories (the 'I-Hate-You' approach to getting over someone). But I also knew that I had some serious shit to work out and I couldn't do it in Florida, and hey, I should probably go to college. That's where people work out their personality and sexual issues, right? Well, I had a lot of personal issues to work on, and would spend a lot of time looking in the wrong places, it turned out. It would take me about 8 years and one very unhappy Mina and another very unhappy Jacqui, and some time with a lady of the evening or two, but eventually, I figured it out. And when I did, over time I found that I felt like I had something to offer other people. I had value - I could picture some way of moving towards becoming the woman it turns out I'd always wanted to be. Whatever that strange combination is of all the amazing women I've come to know in my life - plus a bit of Bill Murray. But I still didn't really know who I was. And when I looked deep, what kept me back the most was feeling lonely. Leaving all my friends behind in Florida was hard - and losing touch with them was even harder. I took it pretty hard at the time, but I know now that's just what happens when people move apart. And I do, in fact, still contact some of them - I've seen them marry their High School sweethearts and have gone on to live a life I'll never experience, and good for them. Someone needs to teach kids and have babies and buy houses and all that sort of thing. I'm sure they've all had their tough times. Life isn't easy for anyone. And the distortions that a difficult childhood creates on the adult produced by those experiences sometimes don't leave such a clear fingerprint that a doctor can diagnose it. Not everyone made it through high school. Some by their own choice - hopefully. It's that weird hope that only those who've considered that choice know. We all miss you, but I understand. Ahem. Anyways. What does all this have to do with letting go? Well let me finish my thought first. Finding my identity as a woman was a challenge for me at first. I obviously suffered from the usual transwoman hangups - I just didn't look feminine enough most of the time. But I soldiered on, even through a phase where I didn't know what I was doing with makeup, but did it anyways, to poor effect. The voice, and all the rest - it felt weird. How the hell was I supposed to... behave? To act? I had been acting like a guy my whole life... so I just let go, and I was who I was. It was very freeing - but I think some of my friends would say it was a little too freeing. Estrogen is a hellofadrug. But my life wasn't filled with intense anxiety like it was before - so overall, it was pretty good. Extreme emotions of sadness came and went as everyone's first "Sorry, I'm straight" rejection goes. But I had some baseline identity now. I was me - just me. But I was still so lonely. No one really knew what I was going through - how secretly shitty a transwoman's childhood and transition can be. I made a couple friends, and they stopped talking to me. I didn't wear my loneliness very well. I could see that it was messing me up a bit. I needed friends, to live closer to them, in the hopes of meeting someone through them. That worked as well as it did previously (which is to say it did not work), so I turned to OK Cupid and things turned around somewhat. Flirting online and chatting was fun - people saying I was pretty was fun. But I don't (just) want sex and flirting, I also want to make deep connections with people. I try and do that with all the people I know - to understand them, to help them, to help them to enjoy the moment. Friendly connections, personal connections, intimate connections, sexual connections. This is the only life we've got. We need to make the most of it in the moment. A lot of us are trying to build a better future that we never arrive at - the anxiety of future prediction. Still others, I've recently discovered, ignore the present and its consequences in order to avoid the anxiety of choice. Still others might point out that I spend my time enduring the anxiety of the past. And yeah, I do spend a lot of time there these days. And I often reflect on the past that I might learn from it. And over time, as my vision gets sharper, I do learn a lot. And I really do think that when I'm old and grey I'm going to be spending a lot of time looking back on my life and remembering the good times. I want to be able to say that I've lived a life with no regrets. And I already couldn't - I do regret much in my life - but now I have a regret that is staked into me by someone else's hands. When I met Aria, everything changed. I've always taken on aspects of my partners, and Aria and I had many good times. She would get a little angry, but it would easy to calm her down. She would tear into people on Facebook, but no one seemed to mind, because she wasn't usually that cruel - usually just bitchy - I'm guessing. My friends certainly didn't put up with my attempt at mirroring the behaviour. And in the end my new friends didn't put up with it, either. Not that I was doing it on purpose - it was somewhere to channel the energy and frustration of my life, and that was cathartic for me, at the expense of whoever was in my sights, often someone who didn't deserve the harshness of what they were about to receive. My apologies were forthcoming - and so were Aria's - at first. My apologies continued, and hers stopped. That was the beginning of the end. I can forgive a great swathe of behaviour when an apology can be expected to come after it. And as her fiancee, I definitely did expect her to treat me with an additional level of respect and courtesy. As we said to each other many times, she wasn't just some girlfriend to me - she was someone I cared about deeply. So when she went from apologizing when her outbursts hurt or scared me, to not apologizing, things changed. When she outright acknowledged that she won't apologize because she feels her actions were justified - ah yes, the all-reliable feeling of justification - I didn't even know what to do anymore. I was supposed to be special to her. And she was special to me. Aria didn't become a shitty person overnight - as they say, the frogs won't jump out of the pond if you boil the water slowly. It happened slowly, until she started to force me into situations where my girlfriend couldn't come to my parties, and she sent us nasty messages again, without apologizing later after she had cooled down. I regret loving and trusting so honestly a person who was so, so shitty to me when I still trying to help both of us. We could have done it together. Sirena was a shitty person, but I don't regret being with her or my time with her. She was a shitty person the whole time we were together though. She had a difficult childhood, and I understood that, as I was there for most of it. We went to the same schools and lived near each other. We grew up together. I don't think she did what she did to hurt me. It did, but it wasn't on purpose. I can attest to the addictive and personality-distorting nature of being unattractive and then suddenly becoming attractive. It's powerful. She did do one funny thing after we broke up - ask me about Castaway sometime - which I think was intended to hurt me, but I never knew a non-shitty Sirena, so it was much easier to laugh off. So as Aaron might say, who the fuck cares about High School? Well, for one thing, quite a few people came up to me after breaking up with Sirena and being like "Finally, she was a real bitch, now we can hang out again!". I remember being surprised, but over time realized yeah: she was a bitch. Some people just don't treat other people a certain way. Because it's like... wrong. And some people don't hang out with those people because they suck. Crazy. My thesis is this: I have never before regretted something because of something someone else did directly to me, totally beyond my control. At this point, I regret ever meeting Aria. If I really could turn back time and undo that one, some very important people would vanish out of my life and memory - and at least 2 people whose friendship I valued a great deal. So the cost is at least nonzero. But this is a unique kind of pain for me. It's got all the toppings: feeling misunderstood, unheard, condemned, and like an idiot. The people I trusted to care and help stood by and did virtually nothing. The people I trusted to help me understand the situation and what was happening told me nothing. The person I trusted more than anyone else in the whole world betrayed, and intentionally hurt me. It was when she used my feelings for her against me - just like Sirena had - the spell broke. But not all of it. I still thought our love was special - it would endure. She was strong enough to do this in a way that would leave the future open, instead of crushing it under the heel of the boots my mother bought her for her birthday. Poetics aside, this is why it is taking me so long to get over this. After a lifetime of loneliness and being misunderstood, I finally found someone who understood me. And things were great at first - the first 6 months contain many things I look forward to remembering in the future without the associated pain. But then, everything changed when The Mirtazapine Nation attacked... and she was lost forever. (In case anyone was wondering, this entry is a paltry 2,500 words! Thanks for reading!) This paragraph from this article made me laugh: (But a much more serious reflection on polyamory and BPD follows)
"I could not find a lot of positive information for people who were polyamorous and BPD who wanted to find ways to cope with extreme emotions. Instead, I found forums about non-BPD folks. The way people asked and responded about people with BPD, it made my heart hurt. A lot of the time, they discussed folks with BPD like an unwanted rodent they were trying to get rid of. Or the gas that comes with lactose intolerance. For a community that claims to be inclusive, its members continue to display stigmatizing behavior. I’m still scared to speak openly about BPD because of the “crazy ex” trope that is associated with us. I’m even afraid of writing this article, but felt that it was important step toward removing that stigma." I mean, let's be honest here. There's crazy exes without BPD. And there's crazy exes with BPD. And there's people with BPD who can control their symptoms or are at least aware of them and the impact it has on their behaviour. You know what I've found, though? If there are lots of resources and help for people who have been hurt by someone with BPD, but not a lot of help for the people with BPD, that's because not a lot of people are looking for that help. Obviously, I suggest that something can be read into that result. And reading these resources does not reveal anything very surprising if you're familiar with the behaviour pattern of someone with BPD (or fleas), as was demonstrated to me recently. It's not that people with BPD are evil, or intentionally seek to hurt people, but sometimes their emotions can make them do those kinds of things. Emotions are powerfully self-justifying. So it seems to me that the person writing this article is in a good place - she's looking for information on how to help manage her emotions in a polyamorous context. There's certainly nothing wrong with that, but the reason there are so few resources, is because polyamoury is super-hardmode for people who have difficulty controlling their emotions (BPD or not). I've always had trouble controlling my emotions as well - news at 11 - and it wasn't until I had really gotten a pretty good handle on mindfulness and thus my brain before I decided to wade into those rushing waters. It does turn out that one cannot resist a tidal wave of emotions, no matter how much time you devote to mindfulness per day. And that's the super-boring answer to this woman's problem: Mindfulness. Mindfulness brings self-awareness, self-awareness brings the opportunity for change, allowing the construction of new neuronal pathways to new things and ideas that don't result in extreme expressions of emotions. Just having some way to say to oneself "Woah, these are some pretty powerful emotions, I better be super vigilant about my behaviour, and probably shouldn't write any Facebook posts.". It's not a great headline. But it's a battle, even for those of us lacking a BPD diagnosis - but the battle is that much harder for people with BPD. So I guess my conclusion is: "Don't leave your assumptions at the door, and although caution is warranted, it is no reason to automatically condemn everyone with BPD." I'm a firm believer in loving who you want to love no matter what. I didn't let Aria's BPD come between us until I was staring down the barrel of it. So never let it stop you. But be prepared. This is a unique challenge. I was hoping to see the fruits of my efforts, but if the resources available to the exes of people with BPD is any indication, people rarely do. So be careful. It's been over a month since The Sundering, as I'm humorously calling it.
I'm still trying hard to get over what happened. It's been really, really hard. As I think I've mentioned. It's like I have an attention disorder and OCD or something, right? Weird. Anyways. I guess my attempts at protecting myself with the truth has backfired with people who are unfamiliar with the particulars of what happened. Perhaps they found my posts and claims to be hyperbolic. Perhaps others found my posts to be an indictment of my own abusive or crazy behaviour - this is unfortunate. For one thing, everything I've claimed about Aria's actions are true. She stole my things, and forced Riley out by being verbally abusive at least. She forced me out in the same way. And yeah, I should have been stronger - but I trusted Aria, so what was there to be strong against? All of that stuff really did happen. I was there - trying to help defuse the situation as best as I could with the limited tools I had. Based on what I've heard, she asked for feedback from her friends, and then ignored it, sending me the emails I received from her anyways. I thought that by talking about what was happening, people would understand what I was going through. On balance, I've found that the people who know me best have done that - and people who have also broken up with someone with BPD - they know that I am not, for lack of a better term, a liar, or a thief. Nor do I intentionally do things to hurt others, especially if I care about those people. And let me be clear: I cared about Aria right up until her second email to me. And I still do, but after that, my feelings are too poisoned by what she did to really feel genuine care. Especially with the flippancy of everyone else added in. It's really hard to hear that my honest attempts at being heard and understood and trying to get the help of my friends, either that they might use their tools to reach Aria and help her to calm down, or at least help her to see a side other than hers, have backfired. It's also hard to know that one my uncles - with self diagnosed Aspergers (isn't it always?) - found my posts concerning and reached out to both Aria and I. I tried to explain the situation to him, but the emotion displayed in my posts concerned him (and as someone with Aspergers he's not so great with emotions), and it wasn't until his brother explained the situation to him that he understood what was really going on. Unfortunately, he is unlikely to correct Aria's assumption that 'My family thinks I'm crazy too". They sure don't - he was the only one who was poorly informed, and now he isn't. Sadly, the damage was already done, both to her ability to see reason, and to my self esteem. Apparently the idea that someone might intentionally avoid posting things in order to let another defame themselves had not occurred to him. Suddenly I wonder if there is a correlation between Aspergers and failing to adequately consider that possibility. Bad jokes about the behavioural disorders that may or may not explain the actions of others and which erases their agency (there's that illusion again...) aside, it just plain old-fashioned sucks that people have read so much into the number and emotional intensity of my posts and so little into Aria's apparent silence and nonchalance. It seems weird to be nonchalant about your fiancee leaving you because of the damage your neurological disorder was causing, but hey - that's what BPD is all about. Compartmentalisation is a powerful skill for them. Sometimes, I feel like she's using me as a heatsink - all the intense emotions she had before are now being emitted by me instead. You know, like that episode of TNG with Deanna Troi and that dude with the crystal? I guess that's what happens when someone you love honestly and dearly intentionally hurts you. I do have mixed feelings about what happened - I could have handled things way, way better. I should have been more prepared, but I wasn't expecting nor did I want a war. That wasn't even on the charts - it started, apparently, when my mother forced Aria to leave the apartment. I guess giving her a few extra days (against my mothers' will) didn't count for much. But again, that's a rational concept - not likely to be well held to by Aria at that time. Based on my research, I should have been dispassionate, brief, and swift. Unfortunately none of those things describe me, so I guess that's why that one didn't work out. In the end, my biggest regret is that she forced this to happen, and that I helped it happen by trying to help and by trying to reach her and by trusting her implicitly. So these days I'm just trying to remind myself that those things are in the past. Hopefully Aria learns to control her BPD before she meets someone else romantically - and if that's already happened, then I hope they find this blog. It worries me to think that someone else might have to go through what I've gone through. Her exes probably didn't see the Aria I saw before the Mirtazapine incident - so although I'm curious about her exes, I doubt I'll find much overlap in our experiences there. They didn't know her after the Mirtazapine Incident. If we'd have broken up before that incident, I don't think this would have happened. She'd have been angry most likely, but not uncontrollably angry like she was. And sure - maybe she's not angry now, but the degree to which she was angry previously seems like something worth talking about. But hey. I'm supposed to just move on, right? Like nothing ever happened? I mean, what's the big deal? Why hold on to all this pain and suffering? Seriously though. All that happened was someone you loved and was trying to preserve a polyamorous relationship with stabbed you in the back, stole your things, lied about it routinely to herself and her friends, and withheld personal items just to hurt you, and no one seems to care but you, Marion, and the people who actually know what happened. Man. I'm being so unreasonable. |
AuthorChristina Hitchens is a trans female writer living in BC, Canada. She loves computers, animals, and a good argument. Archives
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