CAPTAIN'S BLOG
This paragraph from this article made me laugh: (But a much more serious reflection on polyamory and BPD follows)
"I could not find a lot of positive information for people who were polyamorous and BPD who wanted to find ways to cope with extreme emotions. Instead, I found forums about non-BPD folks. The way people asked and responded about people with BPD, it made my heart hurt. A lot of the time, they discussed folks with BPD like an unwanted rodent they were trying to get rid of. Or the gas that comes with lactose intolerance. For a community that claims to be inclusive, its members continue to display stigmatizing behavior. I’m still scared to speak openly about BPD because of the “crazy ex” trope that is associated with us. I’m even afraid of writing this article, but felt that it was important step toward removing that stigma." I mean, let's be honest here. There's crazy exes without BPD. And there's crazy exes with BPD. And there's people with BPD who can control their symptoms or are at least aware of them and the impact it has on their behaviour. You know what I've found, though? If there are lots of resources and help for people who have been hurt by someone with BPD, but not a lot of help for the people with BPD, that's because not a lot of people are looking for that help. Obviously, I suggest that something can be read into that result. And reading these resources does not reveal anything very surprising if you're familiar with the behaviour pattern of someone with BPD (or fleas), as was demonstrated to me recently. It's not that people with BPD are evil, or intentionally seek to hurt people, but sometimes their emotions can make them do those kinds of things. Emotions are powerfully self-justifying. So it seems to me that the person writing this article is in a good place - she's looking for information on how to help manage her emotions in a polyamorous context. There's certainly nothing wrong with that, but the reason there are so few resources, is because polyamoury is super-hardmode for people who have difficulty controlling their emotions (BPD or not). I've always had trouble controlling my emotions as well - news at 11 - and it wasn't until I had really gotten a pretty good handle on mindfulness and thus my brain before I decided to wade into those rushing waters. It does turn out that one cannot resist a tidal wave of emotions, no matter how much time you devote to mindfulness per day. And that's the super-boring answer to this woman's problem: Mindfulness. Mindfulness brings self-awareness, self-awareness brings the opportunity for change, allowing the construction of new neuronal pathways to new things and ideas that don't result in extreme expressions of emotions. Just having some way to say to oneself "Woah, these are some pretty powerful emotions, I better be super vigilant about my behaviour, and probably shouldn't write any Facebook posts.". It's not a great headline. But it's a battle, even for those of us lacking a BPD diagnosis - but the battle is that much harder for people with BPD. So I guess my conclusion is: "Don't leave your assumptions at the door, and although caution is warranted, it is no reason to automatically condemn everyone with BPD." I'm a firm believer in loving who you want to love no matter what. I didn't let Aria's BPD come between us until I was staring down the barrel of it. So never let it stop you. But be prepared. This is a unique challenge. I was hoping to see the fruits of my efforts, but if the resources available to the exes of people with BPD is any indication, people rarely do. So be careful.
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AuthorChristina Hitchens is a trans female writer living in BC, Canada. She loves computers, animals, and a good argument. Archives
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