CAPTAIN'S BLOG
It's been over a month since The Sundering, as I'm humorously calling it.
I'm still trying hard to get over what happened. It's been really, really hard. As I think I've mentioned. It's like I have an attention disorder and OCD or something, right? Weird. Anyways. I guess my attempts at protecting myself with the truth has backfired with people who are unfamiliar with the particulars of what happened. Perhaps they found my posts and claims to be hyperbolic. Perhaps others found my posts to be an indictment of my own abusive or crazy behaviour - this is unfortunate. For one thing, everything I've claimed about Aria's actions are true. She stole my things, and forced Riley out by being verbally abusive at least. She forced me out in the same way. And yeah, I should have been stronger - but I trusted Aria, so what was there to be strong against? All of that stuff really did happen. I was there - trying to help defuse the situation as best as I could with the limited tools I had. Based on what I've heard, she asked for feedback from her friends, and then ignored it, sending me the emails I received from her anyways. I thought that by talking about what was happening, people would understand what I was going through. On balance, I've found that the people who know me best have done that - and people who have also broken up with someone with BPD - they know that I am not, for lack of a better term, a liar, or a thief. Nor do I intentionally do things to hurt others, especially if I care about those people. And let me be clear: I cared about Aria right up until her second email to me. And I still do, but after that, my feelings are too poisoned by what she did to really feel genuine care. Especially with the flippancy of everyone else added in. It's really hard to hear that my honest attempts at being heard and understood and trying to get the help of my friends, either that they might use their tools to reach Aria and help her to calm down, or at least help her to see a side other than hers, have backfired. It's also hard to know that one my uncles - with self diagnosed Aspergers (isn't it always?) - found my posts concerning and reached out to both Aria and I. I tried to explain the situation to him, but the emotion displayed in my posts concerned him (and as someone with Aspergers he's not so great with emotions), and it wasn't until his brother explained the situation to him that he understood what was really going on. Unfortunately, he is unlikely to correct Aria's assumption that 'My family thinks I'm crazy too". They sure don't - he was the only one who was poorly informed, and now he isn't. Sadly, the damage was already done, both to her ability to see reason, and to my self esteem. Apparently the idea that someone might intentionally avoid posting things in order to let another defame themselves had not occurred to him. Suddenly I wonder if there is a correlation between Aspergers and failing to adequately consider that possibility. Bad jokes about the behavioural disorders that may or may not explain the actions of others and which erases their agency (there's that illusion again...) aside, it just plain old-fashioned sucks that people have read so much into the number and emotional intensity of my posts and so little into Aria's apparent silence and nonchalance. It seems weird to be nonchalant about your fiancee leaving you because of the damage your neurological disorder was causing, but hey - that's what BPD is all about. Compartmentalisation is a powerful skill for them. Sometimes, I feel like she's using me as a heatsink - all the intense emotions she had before are now being emitted by me instead. You know, like that episode of TNG with Deanna Troi and that dude with the crystal? I guess that's what happens when someone you love honestly and dearly intentionally hurts you. I do have mixed feelings about what happened - I could have handled things way, way better. I should have been more prepared, but I wasn't expecting nor did I want a war. That wasn't even on the charts - it started, apparently, when my mother forced Aria to leave the apartment. I guess giving her a few extra days (against my mothers' will) didn't count for much. But again, that's a rational concept - not likely to be well held to by Aria at that time. Based on my research, I should have been dispassionate, brief, and swift. Unfortunately none of those things describe me, so I guess that's why that one didn't work out. In the end, my biggest regret is that she forced this to happen, and that I helped it happen by trying to help and by trying to reach her and by trusting her implicitly. So these days I'm just trying to remind myself that those things are in the past. Hopefully Aria learns to control her BPD before she meets someone else romantically - and if that's already happened, then I hope they find this blog. It worries me to think that someone else might have to go through what I've gone through. Her exes probably didn't see the Aria I saw before the Mirtazapine incident - so although I'm curious about her exes, I doubt I'll find much overlap in our experiences there. They didn't know her after the Mirtazapine Incident. If we'd have broken up before that incident, I don't think this would have happened. She'd have been angry most likely, but not uncontrollably angry like she was. And sure - maybe she's not angry now, but the degree to which she was angry previously seems like something worth talking about. But hey. I'm supposed to just move on, right? Like nothing ever happened? I mean, what's the big deal? Why hold on to all this pain and suffering? Seriously though. All that happened was someone you loved and was trying to preserve a polyamorous relationship with stabbed you in the back, stole your things, lied about it routinely to herself and her friends, and withheld personal items just to hurt you, and no one seems to care but you, Marion, and the people who actually know what happened. Man. I'm being so unreasonable.
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AuthorChristina Hitchens is a trans female writer living in BC, Canada. She loves computers, animals, and a good argument. Archives
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