CAPTAIN'S BLOG
This article.
It really all just sounds too familiar to me. The ups and downs... And as always, the deeply-rooted, free-will sapping completeness of it all. Lately, instead of having flashbacks and feeling personally violated by everything, I mostly just wonder if I'll ever be able to forgive her, and the pervading feeling that something could have been done to mitigate things. I thought I could rely on our mutual trust... but the power of these emotions are mind-erasing. While walking down the street or brushing my hair or having a shower I'm thinking of imagined apologies I'll never get, acknowledgements I'll never hear. Items of high sentimental value that were mine never to be seen or heard of again - at best. I get that she responded the way she did because of the strength of her feelings for me. I get that she did what she did to protect herself. But she didn't need to protect herself from me. I can see how some people can think that my decision to move in with Marion in June was selfish - but I loved Aria and trusted her, and am fully capable of loving and trusting Marion fully at the same time. I knew that she couldn't help herself, so I was looking for the space I needed in order to figure out what was wrong with my brain and figure out what, exactly, I seriously wanted to do with my life. Sex, drugs, and music are great and all (soo great), but if I can enjoy life more fully, I think I'd like to try that. And try I did. I've had a couple daydreams of sharing this bed with a third person. Sometimes it's an Aria, sometimes it's someone else - but it feels good. And of sometimes when I'm with Marion in my head I'm like "This would drive Aria absolutely crazy. She'd get super annoyed and it would not be good.... Good thing she's not here!". So polyamoury with someone with Borderline Personality Disorder is pretty tough. As the link I'm ostensibly talking about mentions, between two people it's a roller coaster ride, and with the 6 additional relationship dynamics that suddenly get introduced when you add a third intimate partner.. there's lots of room for an entire amusement park, not just a roller coaster. It can be a challenge for anyone unable to control their emotions. Aria at the start could control her emotions, but everything changed when the Mirtazapine Incident happened, as she gradually lost her ability to control her outbursts or their duration. Only if someone with BPD has a high degree of self-awareness and good, effective coping techniques can handle the additional stresses a polyamorous relationship generates. Angry messages can't be left unapologized for. Maybe try to cut down on the angry messages, but I was willing to offer the caveat to my paramours with a good explanation of the situation at hand and a good old fashioned "Ehhh... I apologize for my spouse's behaviour. Now back to the sex!". It was not an ineffective technique, but obviously one hopes to avoid those kinds of situations when one is polyamourous. And indeed, the reasonable people in the poly community don't tolerate that kind of negativity towards paramours. In retrospect it turns out I put Marion through a great deal more than most 'unicorns' would ever tolerate - many turn away at the slightest hint of a dramatic personality. Unicorn glue, indeed. In the end, it did work out in favour of the unicorn. :) But anyways. Even though I know Aria was afraid of me leaving her fuelled her decision to cut me totally loose, to totally burn not just the bridge, but the land around it, it still hurts. It hurts because she was mean, obviously, but it also hurts because it's not what I wanted for us. I wanted to be there for her for the rest of our lives - whether she slept in my bed every night or not. We needed change, and polyamoury provided a framework to enact that change without the need to lose each other. Had I not cared to not have her in my life, I would have left her a year ago, and she'd have been a minor footnote or curiosity in my life, instead of the at-first-greatly-positive-then-sorta-neutral-then-greatly-negative category that she occupies. I am pleased to find that finally, the negative thoughts are abating. I no longer am preoccupied with either how hurt and sad I was and how badly I wanted justice. I still am those things - and given the delta between what I thought was possible and what happened, I will probably be those things for a very long time. This life seems pretty good though - one thing that can be said about what life after someone with BPD is, is how strange it is to have normal conversations. and for me to suddenly become the overly sensitive one who others walk on eggshells around. Fortunately my problem is a lot less permanent than someone with actual BPD, so I'll be much more like my old self soon enough.
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AuthorChristina Hitchens is a trans female writer living in BC, Canada. She loves computers, animals, and a good argument. Archives
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