CAPTAIN'S BLOG
I talked/argued with Aria today. I think it was good. I think we understand each other better. A couple things stuck out as important. The first is that I am not a strong person. I try my best to be. But I am not. I guess that makes for a boring intro though. Maybe I will be once my brain is figured out. Until then, I am a rudderless boat. I am ambitious, but not driven. I am strong in a crisis, but weak over the long term. These are all things I aspire to improve about the poker hand that is my brain. Aria said the only thing about her that changed was she no longer bottled up her anger. And I suppose in the micro sense that is true - I knew she was an angry person before the mirtazapine incident, and although it concerned me (as it reminded me of Sirena) it did not seem to be out of control or dangerous. She was reasonably easy to calm, and big blowouts were very rare. We only had about 6 months together where things were normal, but I felt like it was something that would improve over time. When the mirtazapine incident happened, I no longer felt like her anger was under control. And I feel like I have pretty good reasons for believing that. It's hard for me to remember exactly, but I also remember, before the incident, Aria apologizing readily when my feelings were hurt, even if they were hurt unintentionally. During our conversation on what she's said to me lately, and her lack of an apology therein, she said that she doesn't apologize if she thinks her anger was justified. I understand feeling that way perhaps towards her internet friends, but without a doubt, a contributing factor to our breakup was her having the same policy with me. I apologize to my spouse if I hurt them intentionally or unintentionally, and I apologize far more intensely than I do with internet friends or anyone else. I hadn't really noticed it until she said it, but that kind of policy is simply untenable, given the change in her personality or not. That is not what teamwork is to me. That sounds like a sponge. The only part of the transaction affected by someone saying something mean during an episode vs not during an episode is how the offended party reacts. Both ways, the offended party will be... offended. During an episode, after an apology (not merely stating "oh that was during an episode" as opposed to "Oh I'm sorry about that it was during an episode"), the offended party does their best to dispel their pain. Again, noting, they do their best. Some people are better at sloughing off that kind of thing than others. I am not. My spouse is within the castle walls - they can slaughter my goats and cattle and steal my princesses at will. And uh, it hurts when they do that. An awkward metaphor like that sounds like a good time for the Read More break. The fact that Aria feels like she doesn't need to apologize to me when I am hurt by what she says during an episode is surely what bled out our relationship. The damage to my emotional trust that does is heavy, especially cumulatively.
I also realize now that this is what contributed to being poly with her so difficult. I get that poly is tough and weird and jealousy is strong and compersion a challenge, so there's going to be fights and disagreements and maybe even shitty things said. But how those things are handled are so important - and at every turn, she asked everything of whichever of my partners she was angry at and was unwilling to offer even the tiniest olive branch. And when she had, she quickly took it away when things didn't go exactly as she expected. I don't really care about the framework of poly, it helped navigate my complicated feelings for both Marion and Aria. I know I love Aria in the same way as I love Marion, and I wanted to stay with Aria, but being with her made taking the next step I needed to make in my life impossible. It sucks.
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AuthorChristina Hitchens is a trans female writer living in BC, Canada. She loves computers, animals, and a good argument. Archives
March 2022
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