CAPTAIN'S BLOG
The season of change is upon us.
Someone I love broke up with me - I'm sad about it, I'm relieved about it. I love her, but she says that we are not romantically compatible. And now, I don't know what to think. Or how to behave around her. How do I love someone, but not romantically? I don't know. I'm relieved because, maybe she is right. I'm sad because, it doesn't change how I feel about her. And now, the polycules I was in have evaporated. I'm still with Freya and Foxx, but they are still struggling to get to know each other and be comfortable around each other. And new girls are entering the fray - Cereza and Iris. The four of us did acid together earlier in the week, and it has proven to be a... not great decision. Iris couldn't get high and the rest of us got wrecked off a quarter hit each - I was tripping for 12 hours. The following days have been very difficult for my mental health. I've been very anxious and afraid, and feeling very destabilised. I do think I'll be getting back to myself - it doesn't seem to be permanent - but the timing has been unfortunate, as Foxx and Iris seem to really like each other, which has been making me anxious at times. I don't know why or how, but somehow I made a mistake that I swore I'd never make again - I asked Iris to be my girlfriend before I even really knew her. After Natalia, I have found that I really need to get to know people, to build some trust, before I ask them out. I have very real trust issues from that relationship and from Marion - people who lied to me, who used me, who didn't care about the people and relationships in my life, people who wanted me for my body and not for who I really am - people who wanted what I had for themselves. And so I am afraid. Afraid of change - afraid of losing Foxx. Afraid of never waking up in her arms ever again, afraid of never standing on her heated floors. Afraid of never looking deep into her eyes, afraid of never hearing her call me a good girl ever again. Afraid of never laying my head on her chest ever again. Of feeling held in her embrace. I know it can happen because I still miss kissing Marion's cheek, feeling their facial hair against my lips, resting my hand on their chest. They didn't make the effort. They got frustrated and angry instead of trying to each out to repair things. They decided they'd rather lose everything than figure out some way to befriend Freya. What if that happens again? What if I'm jealous and irrational and not myself - what if my anxieties get the best of me, and cost me everything? I'll move to Winnipeg or Edmonton and become a bartender. Fair Aphrodite, and loving Sappho - please wrap me in your loving embrace, and help us all find ourselves and each other.
0 Comments
Your comment will be posted after it is approved.
Leave a Reply. |
AuthorChristina Hitchens is a trans female writer living in BC, Canada. She loves computers, animals, and a good argument. Archives
March 2022
Categories
All
|