CAPTAIN'S BLOG
This post is in response to this post on reddit. Coming out to my mother did not go as I expected. She's an intelligent, high-wisdom person who cares about her family and ensuring people are as happy as they could be. She thinks gay people are just fine, and has said to me more than once that if I was gay, she would be ok with that and would love and protect me just as much as before, if not a little more, just in case. So I was pretty shocked when I told her "I think I want to be a woman" she freaked right the fuck out. Crying, shock, disbelief, bargaining - you name it. I also overheard her say to her husband "Well, at least he's not a murderer" which definitely did not land well. It took about a week for the initial shock to wear off for her, and we started having a conversation or two about it. Still with her totally disbelieving, and looking for any excuse to suggest that I'm not right. It must be the marijuana, ADHD, ADHD medication, the antidepressants, or anything else.
Eventually she made it to the point where she understood why she was so upset: she was worried about the complicatedness of my future. Gone was the simple prospect of getting a wife (I'm still going to do that) and having kids (still gonna do that too) and all the rest - my life was now going to be complicated, difficult, and possibly dangerous. It took her more time after that for her to understand that my life was complicated, difficult, and dangerous before I came out. While it's true this is far from the easiest path in life, staying male was dangerous to my health. Becoming a woman would be healthy. I would be happier. Maybe even actually happy, someday. As she started to understand that this was the only path to true happiness for me, her resistance and shock faded. She knew that important thing here was my happiness - not her preconceived notions of gender and sexuality, nor her coloured view of my past. And as her resistance faded, so did her bias - "You were always hanging out with the girls" and "You were never punching or pushing or kicking people like the other young boys" - "you were smelling flowers or playing or petting animals." - "you were always playing as girls in video games" - "You were always so much more emotional than your male friends" - "you would get so much closer to people than your male friends would". And it continued until she was willing to let me try. She did make me move out though - "I can't watch you go through this day to day." I think she regrets saying that - it took her about 4 visits of seeing me present as a girl until she stopped crying and started smiling. And since then she just gets better - she understands better, I explain myself better, new revelations come about, and when her sister refuses to acknowledge my decision and refuses to use my new name and pronouns. My mother's first experience with true ignorance - and like she's been a goddamned gender specialist her whole life, she tears a strip off her sister in the ladies' bathroom - "How dare you speak about my daughter in that way. She has never been happier and that is all I care about and that is all you should care about. Even if she changes her mind and goes back to being a boy, that is her right and it is simply a part of her journey through life and I will support her every step of the way. You have no right to tell her what gender she is or should be and if you continue to misgender her and use her old name I will make sure no one speaks to you again and I will do everything to prevent you from speaking to my daughter." I'm paraphrasing :) So it's a process. The initial impact will hurt, probably a lot. It can be very traumatising, for everyone involved, but it is the catalyst for change - once the ball is rolling, you can affect change and help her understand and hopefully, she'll come out on your side given time. But you'll never know until you try. Good luck :)
1 Comment
Stacy
12/31/2015 06:01:13 am
"You were always so much more emotional than your male friends"
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AuthorChristina Hitchens is a trans female writer living in BC, Canada. She loves computers, animals, and a good argument. Archives
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