CAPTAIN'S BLOG
My life is at a crossroads. I see three paths in front of me. One leads to Aria and our long and beautiful future together. One leads to Andrew and our perhaps shorter future together. Another leads to them both, in my perfect scenario, converging at some point into the future into a single future. You know, I think a lot of people stay away from polyamory because they are afraid they will meet someone who will change their lives. I was pretty young when I made the decision that would back up the idea that I am willing to take that risk - 'I want to have an interesting life' I said, wishing upon a star, or to god, or to anyone who was listening.
After I learned that no one was, that I had to make an interesting life for myself, I decided that I would focus on my need to be happy. It took many, many years, and a change of gender, and finally finding someone on this planet who really understands me and gets me, but it happens. I experience clear feelings of what can only be described as happiness sometimes. So now I'm at least kinda happy. Happier than I've ever been. It's nice. And I love my fiancee more than I've ever loved anyone before, and in a way I've never loved before. It was opened me up to the idea that I can be valuable in a loving relationship, which is frankly a very new thing for me. It also helped me realize that loving others is what makes me feel like I am alive, that I matter, and that I have a purpose to my life. I have a lot of love to give - someone once said that love is infinite, and I now understand what that really means. But this has also caused me to realize that not all of my needs are being met. Now that I am no longer always unhappy, and can see what a healthy relationship is like, I can see the hotpoints of what makes me unhappy. And it's a long list - ADHD and depression are still things, and they still interfere with my life in unpredictable and annoying ways. I desperately need a vagina to establish my sexual identity and determine what I need to be satisfied with sex for the rest of my life. And sex is very important to me - sex has to be good for me to really connect with my partner. And I am pretty confident I need both genders in order to be sexually satisfied. Triads set my heart on fire. So polyamory has been built into my future since the start. As the pieces fell into place - a desire for newness and change and interesting things, a desire for making connections with people physically and mentally, and the sexuality-spectrum enhancing power of estrogen, and the need to experience a promiscuous phase, have all forced me into the corner of polyamory. This is because I can't do the serial monogamy that takes its place - leaving people is very hard for me. I don't want to do it, and I don't need to do it except for when people are true net negatives in my life. I would rather feel pain than nothing at all, and I would rather fight than say nothing and let people drift apart. I'd give anything to be able to predict the future. To have a peek into what might happen given what I choose to do. To see what working with Andrew might be like. What it might be like to have a job doing something I actually enjoy. With someone who has the energy to motivate me when I do not. And that's not counting the poor navigation that sometimes comes with two and even three people trying to communicate - social land mines and navigation issues abound. Of course I can't do that, so instead I just have to be as honest as I can about my feelings and needs, and hope that gets me where I need to go. 'The future is a big place' is something I've been reminding myself and others lately. The ability for the future to surprise me, to come up with some extra option I had not yet considered, impresses me - at my most cynical, I would force myself not to think of other things so that something more simple might happen. Ah, how one tries to game the system when they think there is a system to game. So what have I decided to do? I feel like if I was a bad person or my fiancee was a bad person I would leave. But neither of us are bad people. We have our flaws, and sometimes those flaws are sharp enough to hurt each other deeply. But my fiancee's ability to improve and change frankly astounds me. Right when I think there's no way she could genuinely change or control her feelings, she comes through with some kind of reasonable compromise and at times a revolutionary change in her thoughts and feelings with things she was previously unhappy about. It makes it so that I cannot just walk away from the relationship I have built with her. And I also cannot just walk away from the opportunity that at least working with but also moving in with my girlfriend offers. So I'm hoping to find some middle path. Through communication and honesty, people who love each other deeply and share special connections can close amazing distances through the simple power of genuinely wanting your partner to be happy. But as usual, I am the weak one in this situation. I am the one who is unable to do either difficult thing, and instead asks the impossible, and demands their lovers do what is most difficult for them. The worst part about all this is this is probably what most people were thinking would happen when I told them I was trying out polyamory with my fiancee. I am determined to prove them wrong. Hm. There's that sense of meaning again. I don't know if I explained myself well, but this was very cathartic.
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AuthorChristina Hitchens is a trans female writer living in BC, Canada. She loves computers, animals, and a good argument. Archives
March 2022
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