CAPTAIN'S BLOG
The year is 5000 BC. Somewhere in Central Asia, someone pulls a funny bulb out of the ground with green leaves and bunches of purple flowers. Garlic. This would prove to be a pivotal moment for humanity - over the course of thousands of years, garlic would proliferate its way around the globe - spreading from its home in Central Asia to, eventually, all corners of globe. It would eventually define the cuisines of entire cultures, and would similarly define some of the most recognizable dishes from other cultures. And yet, some people refuse to embrace the humble garlic clove. They look on with judgemental eyes - refusing to partake in the spicy, inimitable flavour of the noble garlic. Still others reject the less-proximate family members of the garlic plant, like shallots, chives, onions, and other key and critical flavours in various cuisines all across the world - but that is a story for another day. Attempts at educating people who reject the cultural power and culinary importance of garlic have largely failed - some of them claim to be ‘allergic’, while others claim to find the taste too strong, and all kinds of other excuses, despite how such beliefs fly in the face of common culinary and cultural logic and tradition. Given their willful ignorance in this manner, I suggest we implement a series of efforts to solve this problem. For one thing, we need to introduce education about garlic much earlier in a child’s life. Right now, virtually none of the meals children are fed at school contain garlic - only when garlic is the primary spice of 75% of our children’s meals can we be confident that we will be able to strain these people from our society.
During a teenager’s years, complaints of body odour and bad breath are common reasons to reject garlic. We should encourage a culture that prefers such body odours - and while feeding all children in all schools garlic-based foods is a good way to start, we need to make sure that we follow through fully by modifying our media - movies need to feature characters who mention that nothing turns them on more than the smell of garlic. The smell of cooking garlic and onions in butter is already almost enough to wet even the most conservative woman - our pornography needs to reflect this, as does all of our media: “My anaconda don’t want none if you ain’t got garlic buns, hun” is the new hit song - women twerking with garlic bread covering their booty feature in the music video. Further, anyone who remains unconvinced by the power and importance of garlic should be removed from the population, and added to the food supply. Garlic is cheap to grow, but it carries relatively few calories. We can bulk up the calorie count by including negative cultural elements such as those who reject garlic’s power: everyone from your average garlic-shunning peasant to royalty and even Vampires - all of them hold us back from embracing the true cultural and culinary power of garlic. The garlic covers up that funny copper-iron taste you get really well, too. Finally, garlic has been shown to at least correlate with lower cholesterol, lower risk for stomach cancer, may prevent the common cold (although evidence for that claim remains murky at best). The juices of garlic can create an effective glue, and is a useful nematicide and insecticide, and is an effective antimicrobial agent for use in curing and storing meats. We are only beginning to unlock the possibilities - the health benefits are many, and the flavour benefits are already approaching levels that other vegetables and spices will never be able to compete with. Hopefully, this essay helps you to understand the historical, culinary, and caloric advantages of fully embracing the mighty Garlic plant. With it, we can feed the world - and those who reject the nobility of garlic will help.
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AuthorChristina Hitchens is a trans female writer living in BC, Canada. She loves computers, animals, and a good argument. Archives
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