CAPTAIN'S BLOG
I've been healing.
Really actively focusing on healing. At therapy we talk a lot about Jessica. While I do sometimes say that Natalia killed her, it's more true that she's just... in hiding. In the Castle Keep, she sits on her throne, going between crying and screaming. It's a boring existence. It's boring having her in there, only really able to contribute sniping comments to my day to day life. Draining my energy away with her tears, with her explanations, with her reasons, with her questions. Every now and then an epiphany is brought to her. "Natalia was a pretty shitty partner" was a recent one. She gave more time and effort communicating with Freya than she did with me - they'd go for a walk and talk for an hour or two, and they'd come back, with clear heads. I had hardly seen anyone try like that with Freya - it was heartening, it was comforting, it was utterly misleading. I expected the same effort, and I did not get it. Questions were asked, partially or unsatisfactorily answered, and then never brought up again. Our time together was cut shorter and shorter. Instead of getting an opportunity to explain myself, I was cut off, never to be contacted again. Her friends refuse to talk to me. I have her dead-eyed, emotionless explanation, and the word "disgusted". That's it. It hurts, it makes me sad, blah blah blah. It's weak, and it's cowardly, and it's not very punk. In a world where no one cares about anyone, it's punk as fuck to care about the wellbeing of others and the impact you have on them. I think she has cast me as a crazy, borderline abusive ex girlfriend, thus making it acceptable to just block me out. Unfortunately this is something that really triggers me so I'm my reactions only serve to help her. But what am I to do? Trying to process things internally does nothing. I've been struggling for OVER A YEAR NOW and it's fucking stupid. Over someone who used me so boldly? How could I have loved someone so much who valued me so little? It's embarassing. And now I have a new ex - Alyx. But at least, I have no reason to hate her. It's nice to just be sad, instead of also angry.
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AuthorChristina Hitchens is a trans female writer living in BC, Canada. She loves computers, animals, and a good argument. Archives
March 2022
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