CAPTAIN'S BLOG
I slept with a guy recently. A friend of mine. It was an interesting experience. I regret being sick for it - that's a convenient excuse for my experience, if nothing else. Fuck it's hard to write with these fingernails. I'm proud of myself for growing them out, and this nail hardening stuff really helps. It's OPI Nail Envy Original - it's the only thing that has fixed their tendency to bend and then get a fold and then break. I found putting it on the underside of my nail helps a lot too. Anyways. I honestly wish I had a better time with my friend. Maybe I was sicker than I thought I was - regardless, it's a little disappointing discovering that heterosexuality is basically unavailable to me. The pull of normalcy is real - but oh well. I'll leave it to the others I guess. The word "boyfriend" literally makes my eyes roll into the back of my head. Only if it's uttered by a man does it take the edge off - but only slightly. I almost seem to resent normalcy. This makes me especially frustrated by my addiction to routine. The taboo is simply what most regularly turns me on. This means that my next step in exploring my heterosexuality will have be to be kinkier rather than romantic. Awkward for some, but I'll be damned if I don't chase those butterflies. It sucks they are so hard to keep. I feel guilty and frustrated about these feelings. It makes me resent those kinds of relationships. And sometimes, that whole gender. It makes me feel left out. Many people in my life have told me how validating it is to be with a man, but it just made me miss everything about Oakley and Natalia. Which is a shame. He's a very nice man. He's even taller than me. Not many people make me feel small. But I dunno. I'm just like. Who cares? I don't care to feel small. I'm a formidable woman, and I always will be, and I like that and am proud of that. Men and their fragile masculinity will not encourage any fragile femininity in me - but oh, it shall encourage sadness, oh yes, as so many things do. I like it when women make me feel small. But a woman of any size can do that. It's an attitude. I mean it's like I'm fucking gay or something. So Then Why Experiment?Well, it is fun. I like new experiences and I like sleeping with my friends. I definitely do not regret it. The simple fact of the matter is I am trying to prepare myself for the future. A woman I love talks about men a lot. At my most cynical, I just want to be prepared for the day she meets a man and falls in love with him. Regardless of my fears of abandonment, I also need to work on my fear of men. Otherwise when she meets someone, I'm not going to be able to handle what she seems to want from that kind of a relationship, especially when I want that kind of relationship with her someday. Ugh. Being in love is so stupid and annoying sometimes! Holy fuck it scares me sometimes! But the future is a big place. All kinds of crazy things happen - both good and bad. Hopefully this one will skew towards good. Gosh, I'd love to write a love story with a happy ending. Ultimately, there's only one way to find out: And it's to make sure that I'm receptive and open to whatever the future may hold, instead of terrified and anxious about it. She's an amazing woman. I wonder often how much time she will be in my life for. Autism is a bitchFinally, as my cold medication really kicks in, I just want to reflect on how much I respect Oakley for the hard work she does on herself. She really does put in an astronomical amount of effort and it really does show - I need to do some detailed writing on the intersection of Oakley and I's autism and the effects it has on our relationship, because I think that would be helpful for both of us.
She's an amazing woman. I'm so lucky to have two very special women in my life. It's so weird to feel lonely at a time like this.
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AuthorChristina Hitchens is a trans female writer living in BC, Canada. She loves computers, animals, and a good argument. Archives
March 2022
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