CAPTAIN'S BLOG
I am having a problem.
Crazy to see that it has been two years since I've felt the need to think out loud here. I'm not sure exactly who I need to write about more, Foxx or Iris. Aleph. But, I need to vent. Quite possibly about both of them. I'm.... frustrated. At Aleph. And a little frustrated at Foxx. Probably just because I'm not getting what I wanted. Which is fair! My desires do not apply to them and their relationship. I just don't trust Aleph. And it's scary that Foxx doesn't seem to care? I'm worried. What if this conversation I need to have with her doesn't pan out? The last thing we all need is more friction and drama. But I don't want to make up with Aleph. I hate her. The way she handled things with Cereza is terrifying to me. And she doesn't seem to care? She knows we just want an apology. She sends me messages on occasion asking me to bury the hatchet for Foxx's sake, but I just feel manipulated by it. I don't even know if that's fair. I won't know without talking to her. Should I have a moderator? Maybe I should. But who? Foxx? I'm terrified of getting cornered into a no-win situation. What if I can't keep my cool? I'm still very angry, hurt, and scared. What if this breaks up the polycule? Conflict in a complicated polycule as large as ours is inevitable. Ultimately, I've let this go on too long. I've been sick and tired and stressed... and feeling a little neglected by Foxx. I understand her situation, I really do. I would not be able to handle the level of stress she's going through at home, but ultimately, here I am, suddenly forced to deal with this. My negative feelings for Aleph are poisoning my relationship with both Foxx and now Adora. I experience genuine and sometimes even powerful compersion in all of my other relationships, which is something I used to struggle with a lot. But why can't I feel that same way about Foxx? It happens sometimes, but nowhere near often enough for the level of complication in her life. I think Aleph is part of my difficulty in experiencing compersion with her, but she's not the largest piece, if I scry my deepest feelings accurately. I think my identity is wrapped into Foxx in a way it is not for other people. Specifically, I think Jessica is in love with Foxx, and Aphrodite is annoyed with her. I don't know how to explain this feeling. But I've been having it for a while. Jessica falls in love with people in that way. Aphrodite does not. But the feelings I get from that level of attachment, its addictive. And I had her all to myself for a year at least. I knew that would change, I tried to prepare myself. But how could I not love her in that way? She helped create the person I am today more than anyone has in my whole life. She gave me the space I needed to be myself and be free and I will always love her for that. I guess that's why Aphrodite loves her so much too. As a great man once said, "I'm down with old hoes. Motherfucker feels safe." And I do - I do feel safe. Or I guess I did. I have often said to myself that if Foxx left me I would move somewhere else. Far away. Or I told her yesterday that I would become someone different - key parts of my identity would change. I wouldn't become a bad person or anything, but it would break me. And that's like, not good. I cannot let myself make this mistake. Ironically, if Foxx really is that important to me, I need to become my own person. I've gotten very close, but I guess I'm not there yet? I feel like I am competition with Foxx often, about things that don't make any sense. She might insinuate that she is the best at something, and I immediately feel the need to challenge her on that. It's absurd. It used to happen a lot when we first met - she'd talk about her getting attention from anyone or even just work and project opportunities, and I just felt so stuck in my life at that time that it used to really bother me. But I've managed to find work opportunities that work for me I guess so that doesn't bother me anymore. I experience compersion for her work opportunities all the time these days. I even paid her for work! Not long ago that would have genuinely offended me, as funny as that sounds to me now. So then, what should I do here? What's left? Well, what if she loves me, but just doesn't have the time for me? That can happen. Especially to women like her. Hell, do I have time for her? Well, I make time for her. But does she make time for me? I guess we will have to see. We did have a very good talk in the car. It's so weird talking to someone so reasonable sometimes. Everyone in the polycule these days is just, overcome with reasonableness, it's kinda strange at times. And here I am feeling like the insane person all of a sudden, struggling to understand and contain my emotions, feeling like lashing out and isolating myself. And this is all happening in the middle of me getting something I really wanted: to spend more time with Rory. She's just so wonderful - she's like a gift. Like someone (her) has spent 31 years making a girl just for me (she's not just for me). Everything is just so effortless with her. I feel blind to not be madly in love with her - well, which definitionally sounds like an unhealthy way to love someone, lol. So that's good, right? I love her for who she is and not because my identity is wrapped up in her somehow. Same with Cereza. And Freya. How are these relationships different from Foxx and I's? I don't understand, other than meeting Foxx when I was still learning how to relate to other people without trying to dissolve into them. But if I can relate to others without doing that now, why can't I do it with Foxx? I used to feel special to her. Precious. I'm not sure I feel that way anymore. She tells me she loves me so much. But why can't I feel it anymore? Has something changed in me? In our relationship? It's true that much has changed in our relationship. In fact, everything has changed. She was at the last kink event, but she was doing the door with Lily. (arrgh I'm even jealous of her!) I then proceeded to have the best night of my life, and she wasn't really there. And that's happened a few times. But I want her to be there. Does she want to be there? If I tell her, she'll probably say she was there, lol, sigh. But that's quintessentially her though. I can't expect her to be someone she's not. That will lead to ruin for sure. And... maybe that's a problem. That checks out. I don't expect anyone else to be someone they are not. But her? lol fuck it's taken her two years to figure out I want flowers! Noted she says lol. I am a bit of a drama queen, aren't I? That's ok, I'm pretty sure she knows that. But maybe I should spend more time thinking about my love languages. Like, I expect her to be more like me. And she's not like me. In very few ways is she like me. Those ways are very important ways, which is no doubt the best thing about our relationship, and it does form a very strong foundation. I need to embrace her differences. I'm reminded of how I felt about Natalia, which is not good: It doesn't make any sense to keep a bird as beautiful as that caged, and here I am trying to do just that. Nowhere near as badly as I did with Natalia - lordy I hope I get the chance someday to apologize. But the tendrils are there still, painful with their dastardly suckers. She's for to be her own woman. I trust her and her judgement. I mostly believe her when she tells me she loves me and she's never going to leave me (unless I force her to). She's said no kitty left behind to me several times. Which returns us to Aleph. One of my peers in the cat-dom. There's nowhere near enough domming for that title lol. We used to date. From the beginning... I made many errors. Too many errors. She also made many errors. I felt forced into a relationship. How things might have different had I been more willing to say no to a girl in front of everyone while drunk and high on acid. Oof. Then it looked to me like she treated Cereza really well. But it turns out she really didn't. Cereza was definitely going through an incredibly hard time - Aleph's comfort seemed saccharine, but I assumed it was some combination of deep compassion and just, what can you do when someone you love is addicted to something dangerous? I don't know. I wasn't around when she was doing hard drugs much. But Cereza had said that she didn't feel very supported by Aleph. But Aleph was in a very different place then too. They had not yet understood that they are a system, and I myself am learning that it's quite a bit more complicated to understand than I expected as well. Now I too think that maybe there are at least two parts of me - Jessica and Aphrodite. I dunno about my male self - and frankly, I don't care, lol. Maybe he comes out sometimes in my butchy phases. Overall, I think he's pretty happy with how we/I are handling things, lol. Certainly having more fun than he ever did! So what is to be made of this, I wonder? I don't think I have, I dunno, clinical DID? I've read about it, but it's not something I usually identify with, but the way my girlfriends describe things, does sound like something I experience. For years I've been saying that Jessica 'died' when Natalia broke up with her. So At the very least, I do think there's some kind of sequential identity at play for me. And I do feel like Aphrodite would die too, if Foxx broke up with me. At least, a part of me would. I feel like that part of me is hurting now. But then who is it? What is it? Maybe it is him. My last post was about Matt, funnily enough. Definitely, those feelings of abandonment still run through me. They don't control me like they used to, but they are still powerful, pulling at me and occasionally getting a good bite into me, when I'm feeling low and the circumstances are right. Who am I? Will I ever get to where it is that I am going? Will I know it when I get there? Is she leaving me behind? Does she have time for me? Am I expecting too much? Something deep inside me is so afraid. It feels so much like she preparing to leave me. But what evidence do I have? Just that sinking feeling, the feeling of my guts locking up, the feeling of deep fear. Some infrasound-like pattern of behaviour that gives me a bad feeling I can't locate the source of. Like I've touched a Tome of Madness. I want to focus on the things in my life that are good and easy. But that means focusing less on Foxx. And I don't want to do that. So I need to make that relationship easier. And uh, gooder. Which means I need to bury the hatchet with Aleph. I can't leave it up to Cereza - or apparently Aleph. Or Foxx. I'm the Captain, right? I need to handle this. I'm tired of being annoyed every time I hear about her or something she's done. It's stupid and it's exhausting and it is poisoning one of the most important relationships I've had in my life so far. The resistance though. God. I do not want to do this. And I hate that she said it already, but I'll do it for Foxx. Because in my mind, its the two of us and the polycule we've built versus the world. But maybe that's holding me back too. Is that just a newer, fancier cage? I mean, someone's name has to go first, right? ...Right? No. It's just another hierarchy. And every time I look at Rory, I smile. Maybe I should let Foxx go. Not in a breakup sort of way. Though Jessica will think it is. She's not yours. She's not anyone's. And neither are we.
0 Comments
Your comment will be posted after it is approved.
Leave a Reply. |
AuthorChristina Hitchens is a trans female writer living in BC, Canada. She loves computers, animals, and a good argument. Archives
March 2022
Categories
All
|