CAPTAIN'S BLOG
In my last post, I described in detail the causes and effects that having a neurological disorder brings.
For the less detail oriented out there - for the people in crisis, or who are just now discovering that their partner or parent has a Cluster B disorder that is strong enough to negatively impact their relationships, the why is probably less important than the "What to do". So what ought one do if they are close to someone who is hurting them emotionally because of their inability to control their behaviour? Obviously this depends on lots of variables, and everyone needs to make the choice that feels right to them. In general, I recommend that people follow their heart. After my ex was diagnosed with BPD after a bad reaction to antidepressants, I read all about BPD and what to do about it. If you're here, you're probably in the middle of this process. And there's really not a lot of good news. It takes years of hard work to control, in the meantime practically anything can happen, as I experienced with my ex, and overall their inability to control their emotions and actions makes life harder, either through actual emotional abuse to those around them through outbursts, arguments, fights, and conflict, the fear of which creates the "Walking on Eggshells" effect that so many talk about. Despite all of this bad news, I decided to stay with my ex because, unfortunately, I loved her a great deal. I say unfortunately here because I fell in love with someone different than the person who woke up after taking their new antidepressant for the first time. That's not a common scenario - most people meet someone who has had BPD for their entire life. My ex definitely had some anger and emotional control issues before, but nothing like what happened after the Mirtazapine. And there's a long waitlist for help. She didn't do any self-help as recommended by her doctor. Over time, she got worse, not better. Then one day, she "split" me - the technique of splitting is common with people with BPD, and it occurs when people decide between someone being entirely trustworthy or entirely untrustworthy. There is no middle ground for people with influential BPD, as you may have noticed. This is a dangerous component of people with Cluster B disorders - one day there's nothing to fear, the next day everything of hers and much (or all) of your things are gone. The vindictiveness that comes from splitting is a truly powerful force, and it must be respected and protected against no matter your relationship status. Know where your valuables - both monetarily and emotionally - are, and check on them. My ex even threatened to steal my dispensary card and tried to revoke my membership. "Just to deprive you of it" she said. And this was long before she split me. There's lots of advice for what to do if you decide to stay with someone who has BPD or a similar neurological disorder. This post contains some. I also recommend the /r/bpdlovedones subreddit. But the only "good" advice is just to follow your heart. I just couldn't bring myself to abandon that wonderful woman I met one summer after she sent me a "Hey, what's up?" on OKCupid, even though that person died the moment the Mirtazapine hit her brain. It took me a year to convince me that the woman I loved was truly gone. Following your heart doesn't mean staying with someone who makes you unhappy - it means be honest with yourself and do what you can to be happy. There is lots of love in my heart and I'm happy to share it with people who need more understanding than your average person. But I do have my boundaries, and you do too, dear reader, and when those boundaries are crossed, you need to demand that they be respected. I let my boundaries relax because of how deeply I was in love with my ex. I was in love with another woman as well, who my ex and I met together, but they didn't get along like Marion and I do, so they broke up. I tried my hardest to get them to be at least friends, but my ex's BPD made it nearly impossible to maintain any kind of healthy polyamorous relationship, which was a violation of my boundaries. I tried to get some distance while staying together, to give her space to grow and heal, but she either didn't understand or didn't want that, but she sure made her choice clear. Well, this was supposed to be a tl;dr that is now on its 3rd or 4th page, so I'll make a tldr for my tldr: Tl;dr: Follow your heart. Set and keep boundaries. Don't be lax with your boundaries. And most importantly, be honest with yourself. Stay if you want to stay, leave if you want to leave. As a great man once said: "Above all else, to thine own self, be true."
1 Comment
Lovely article. I have BPD, and I just stumbled upon this post and could immediately identify.
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AuthorChristina Hitchens is a trans female writer living in BC, Canada. She loves computers, animals, and a good argument. Archives
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