CAPTAIN'S BLOG
You've Met Me At A Very Strange Time In My Life Life can really suck sometimes. Some of us know this better than others - truly, the role of luck, of chance, of random particle interactions, cannot be understated in matters of good and poor fortune. It's not fate - even though it sure feels like it sometimes. It's not God - even though it's tempting to thank him when things are going well. And to shake one's fist at him when things are not. But the universe and it's particles are capricious. They care not how their random interactions may affect the lives and wellbeing of the people that they influence. They couldn't care less whether their actions bring people together, or pull them apart. They don't care about the tragedy that may result from their actions irreparably damaging a happy relationship - turning it from one of mutual support and happiness - to one of fear, distrust, and emptiness. They also don't care that from that tragedy, springs something beautiful. They do have a way of doing that though. At least they are kind enough to be truly, unbiasedly capricious, instead of the sinister capriciousness that springs forth from our fellow humans when they are weak, due to some anxiety, insecurity, or flaw, some of which may be controllable, and some of which may not be. Read More for more reflections on the current state of my life. The Decision
I took a long time to make my decision on what to do about this incredibly tragic, unbelievably unfair development in my first Real Relationship Ever. I took a year, in fact. I've dated someone with an anger problem before. I was a sensitive guy back then - it really hurt, the things she said and did to me. All of which where fairly minor, compared to the suffering truly (and I use the term truly loosely) abusive partners inflicted on their lovers. Although, the haunting spectre of uncertainty that is her fidelity - for I can only surmise, not prove, that she was cheating - is certainly worth far more than it's weight in anxiety. Certainly, a willingness to cheat on her new boyfriend with me immediately after we broke up is somewhat of an indicator. But, that relationship was very different from that one in every other way. I trusted my old ex when I shouldn't have, and I trusted my ex-fiancee as much as I could for as long as I could. And it's not my trust in our love that ran out - I still trust that. Or at least, I thought I did, until I actually said the words to her that threatened that trust - that I was in love with another woman, and I was moving in with her. I still trust our love - She doesn't. I don't blame her. Especially given her neurological reality, it will be a great challenge for her to see, precisely, why I am doing what I am doing. And it will be hard to accept that, because I am doing it for me. I need to do this, for me and my happiness. The trust that changed was her ability to control her anger. She was angry sometimes before - but in a way that was pretty manageable. But after the incident, two weeks of hell, my trust in her ability to control her anger had eroded. I tried to repair that trust as best as I could, but I couldn't do it - her anger is too intense, too omnidirectional, too close to my heart to rebuild that trust. And that kills me inside. I love that woman so much - but she's gone. And the one who replaced her reminds me too much of my old ex. And I can see how my fear shuts me down, especially when I can see how much I come alive when I spend time with Marion. And that's my weakness. I feel the anger too closely - I feel like she's mad at me, even when she's mad at other people. And I spend my time worrying about when and who she'll get mad at next. So, I was left with a choice. Despite how I feel about my ex-fiancee, I have to do what is right for me and my future. Despite how guilty I feel for letting her down, for loving her less, for not being able to rebuild our trust and love, for letting her episodic words get to me even when they weren't directed at me, for not being a better lover, for not being able to stay with her through this difficult time when she was counting on me - despite that guilt, and despite my love for the old her and the beautiful woman I suspect she will become as she conquers this destructive part of her - I have to make a change. I have to protect myself. I have to do what I think is right for me and my future and my happiness. I tried desperately to bring her along - hence my foray into polyamory - but she cannot make the journey right now, and I cannot wait for her any longer. This is the scariest thing I've ever done. For so many reasons - I'm taking a foray into the unknown, and am following my heart. Ultimately though I find my decision here to be illusory - I find that I am powerless to resist Marion's charms. Before the incident, my ex-fiancee was on track to become the woman of my dreams. But then I stumbled across the amazing work of art that is Marion-Jane, and I learned what the power of instant compatibility truly is. The Red Light on the Golden Chandelier It all started with the three of us, together. I fell in love with Marion right away - like I did with my ex-fiancee - but I also fell in love with the three of us right away. Having two partners was amazing - one high energy, one low energy, and me, with variable energy. It was an amazing match. Suddenly, I was the luckiest girl in the world again. A week or two passed, and we all attended an event together - an event wherein I was going to court a cisgirl who's eye I had caught. I was very excited - no one had really considered me attractive before. And I could tell she thought I was. But Aria, my ex-fiancee, was nervous, and Marion poorly equipped to handle a nervous Aria, especially since she hid how nervous she actually was. None of us really knew what we were doing, or getting into. If I had known what the end of that night would be like, I would have done much very, very differently. When we got back to Marion's that night, she broke up with us. I was almost hysterical with sadness. Life without Marion? Never. I remember laying in Marion's bed, thinking about what she had said to Aria once we got home. She really laid into her. It felt good to hear - I had been too afraid to say those things to Aria, and now someone had finally said it to her. Marion did get a little carried away, as she sometimes does, but the gist was relevant. And it boils down to Aria's inability to control her emotions reliably. It hurts me. It hurt Marion. So I laid in that bed with Aria, with Marion sleeping on the couch, and all I wanted was to lay with Marion. But she had ended things. And I was with Aria. And I couldn't change that. I didn't have a reason to yet... but I had just been given one, and that was what started the thread coming loose. I stared at the light on the ceiling for what felt like hours. A tiny red light was reflecting off the base. I remember thinking to myself "Is this really the last time I'll sleep in this bed? Is this really the last time I'll look up at Marion's ceiling? Is this the last time I'll see Marion, the most amazing woman I've ever met?" My answer rang clear at the time, and when I met up with her a couple days later to try and fix things. "I can't let this be the end of Marion and I." So I fought for her. She was happy to be with me, and I was happy to be with her. She valiantly tried to fix things with Aria, but Aria was too angry and too unable to let go. It drove me crazy with frustration. Parties and events without Marion, as they refused to see each other. New Years comes, and Marion isn't there. I'm tripping hard on acid, and the shape I draw on my phone when I call her darling makes me cry. She should be here. So I left Aria for the first time the next day. Marion and I had a magical time together. We went to the island. I met her family. Her friends. We talked about things. About life. Love. Aria. The future. Our future. And while I was away I started to get anxious. She said she was better now. New medication. New strategies. And I missed her - the time we spent together. So after being with Marion for a week - an amazing, amazing week - I went back to Aria. And things did seem better for a while. Marion came over for Aria's birthday party. A week later, Aria, Marion, and I all attended a rave together. We all danced. I had a great time with both of them. For a moment, it looked like we'd be able to rebuild our relationship. Afterwards, Marion exploded. Something had happened at the birthday party with one of our other girlfriends. Marion felt very violated. I didn't understand. Marion got angry at me, at both of us. Mostly me. I wasn't hearing her - I don't blame her for getting angry. But it made Aria angry. And Aria doesn't get angry for a short period of time - when she's angry, it's for a loooong time. And just like that, the chances of the three of us being together were dashed before my eyes again. Thanks to another argument that Aria took way too personally. I asked her many times to try and reach out to Marion and rebuild things. She refused. My feelings for Marion grew - as did my frustration with the limitations being with Aria was putting on my life. I loved her a great deal, and I was willing to learn and understand her as best as I could, but it was costing me too much. Too many of the things I find valuable. She forced our roommate, one of my best friends and our lover, to leave. He wasn't welcome in our apartment anymore. I was angry at him too, which coloured my judgement, but I knew this wasn't right. And she was so angry at him. It was scary. She hurt herself in her anger. She hurt me by being so angry for so long. It felt like she was angry at me, too. I couldn't do anything to control it - none of the usual techniques worked. Agreeing with her made her angrier. Disagreeing made her angrier. Silence made her angry. Validating her emotions made her angrier. Changing the subject made her angrier, or didn't work. After he left, I remember the shock slowly wore off and I was afraid of Aria. Of what she might do next, to herself, to me, to our new roommate, to Marion, to everyone. She had gone too far. I couldn't spend the rest of my life with the person Aria was becoming. I felt chained - imprisoned. I could stay with Aria, and live my life as she defined it. Within the bounds of her anger. Unable to access things that her anger precluded. Afraid of when we needed to go through something tough together. Afraid of what people might say to her to trigger her, even through Facebook. Our future no longer seemed bright and happy. It seemed marred by frustration, tears, and missed opportunities. My life was on lockdown. I talked about things less - less risk she'll get upset. Our lives became watching TV in bed, together. And that's not a bad life for me, for a while. But it does get boring. And it's hard to pay the bills that way. And I started to think that one of the reasons I never have any energy is because I'm spending it all worrying about Aria and her next episode, and preventing myself from taking actions that might upset her. So I decided it was time for me to do what I thought was right for me and my future. I decided Marion was right for me. For my future. I can look at her face and smile. I feel no fear when I look in her eyes. I see no anger in her face. I only see love. A love I have never seen before. The love that Aria and I were headed towards, before the incident so greatly derailed us. Before it took her from me. But Marion and I are already there. She's the most wonderful person I've ever met. She deserves my love. And I deserve hers. And I've never been so happy to give it to someone. I never thought I'd be so lucky to see art in a person who loved me. It kills me inside that Aria can't be a part of this. I wanted her to be so desperately. I know it's not her fault. I just can't be unhappy anymore. I don't want to be afraid anymore. I want to enjoy the sunlight and good company, to play fight and kiss under the stars. I want someone to make love to me. To hold me tight. To tell me it's going to be allright. And I just don't believe Aria when she says it to me anymore. I so desperately wanted to be her everything. I tried as hard as I could for as long as I could. It consumed all of me, until I was swept away on a breeze named Marion-Jane.
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AuthorChristina Hitchens is a trans female writer living in BC, Canada. She loves computers, animals, and a good argument. Archives
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